The teenage years can be rewarding, yet challenging for both teens and their parents. Helping your child to make a smooth transition to becoming a more independent and successful person can be complex in a divorced family.
It’s important to recognize the difference between normal and problematic behavior so you can help your teenager develop coping skills, become more resilient, and to minimize any long-term negative effects from your divorce. Above all, do not put your head in the sand!
10 signs your teen is having difficulty coping with divorce
- Decreased interest in hobbies and/or activities he or she used to enjoy.
- Showing signs of powerful mood swings that range from extreme elation to intense hostility toward others that last more than a few days.
- Showing signs of rage towards others; this could be anything from temper tantrums (especially in public) to becoming exceedingly angry or irritable over small things.
- Radical changes in behavior such as fighting at school, cheating, stealing, lying, or intense arguments with others (teachers, friends; or you or their other parent).
- Declining school performance for over a period of a few months (even after intervention by you or a counselor).
- Chronic complaints about physical ailments or health, such as stomach or headaches, sleep problems, eating disorders (or gaining or losing more than ten pounds when not trying to).
- Changes in peer relationships such as losing friends or isolating themselves from social activities.
- Showing signs of depression such as sadness that lasts more than a few days, ruminating over past events, obsessive thoughts about personal failure. Or, self-doubt about their ability to handle day to day challenges such as school or peer relationships.
- Withdrawal from family members and/or making overly critical remarks about self and others.
- Refusal to attend school, family, or community events frequently.
Some of the challenges that teens face in divorced families include: going back and forth between two homes, different rules in each house, loyalty conflicts with their parents, moving, dealing with parents dating just as they’re exploring intimate relationships; and possibly adjusting to one or both parents’ remarriage and stepsiblings.
Experts advise us that adolescence is a time of transition from being a child to establishing an identity different from your parents. This normal process can become more complicated as teens experience the breakup up their parents’ marriage.
Although it may take your teenager about two years to adjust to your divorce, feelings of sadness or anger may reappear during stressful times such as taking exams or a parents’ remarriage – even if they’re coping fairly well overall. It’s a good idea to seek professional help if your teenage seems depressed or displays any of the symptoms on the list of warning signs above intensely for more than two weeks.
Some teenagers seem to make it through their parents’ divorce relatively easily, while others struggle and are more vulnerable to negative emotions and low self-esteem. The reasons for these differences include: the child’s personality and temperament, gender, parenting styles, and a families’ post-divorce adjustment. Keep in mind that some teens, especially girls, don’t show out-ward signs of trouble until years later. Many experts refer to this tendency as the “Sleeper Effect.”
During and after divorce, it’s crucial that both parents promote a healthy bond with their teenager in order to nurture high self-esteem and resiliency. Showing your teen compassion and understanding won’t guarantee success every day but they’ll feel less stressed as a result. Be sure to establish an open dialogue with your teen so they can discuss the stresses in their life and brainstorm solutions with you.
Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website.
I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry
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