PAT: Ugh. This is Coke.
MIKE: What's wrong with Coke?
PAT: It's got caffeine in it. I can't have caffeine. I'm Jewish.
MIKE: You're what?
PAT: Jewish. We're not allowed to have caffeine.
MIKE: Dude, you're not Jewish. And even if you were that wouldn't mean you couldn't have caffeine.
PAT: Hey this is America, I can be whatever I want to be.
MIKE: Your name is Patrick Flynn.
PAT: Doesn't matter. Freedom of religion.
MIKE: OK, so if you're Jewish, how come you're eating a bacon cheeseburger?
PAT: We're allowed. We just can't have caffeine.
MIKE: You're trying to tell me a bacon cheeseburger is kosher?
PAT: Are you Jewish?
MIKE: No, but …
PAT: Then what makes you think you have the right to tell us how to worship? You're being anti-Semitic.
MIKE: You're not Jewish.
PAT: Says you. Bigot.
MIKE: Look, you're free to believe whatever you want to believe. You want a cheeseburger? Eat a cheeseburger. Just don't say you're being Jewish.
PAT: Where do you get off lecturing me on my religion?
MIKE: I'm not telling you what to believe, I'm just saying you can't call it Jewish. That's not what "Jewish" means.
PAT: So you think all Jews have to believe the same thing?
MIKE: Not the exact same thing, maybe, but, you know, mostly, yeah.
PAT: And you're what, Catholic, right? So you think all Catholics believe the same thing?
MIKE: I'm not saying … Look. The word "Catholic" means something, OK? Or a whole bunch of somethings. And that means there's also a whole bunch of somethings it doesn't mean.
PAT: First you're the expert on Judaism, and now you're the Pope.
MIKE: I'm just saying certain words mean certain things, otherwise what's the point in having them?
PAT: You really like telling other people what to believe, don't you?
MIKE: Believe whatever you want. But you know as well as I do that bacon is not kosher. Ask any rabbi, they'll tell you. Ask a hundred rabbis — you won't find one that disagrees.
PAT: There's at least one. Me.
MIKE: So now you're a rabbi?
PAT: Yeah, and I'm telling you, as a rabbi, that we Jews can eat bacon cheeseburgers, but we can't have caffeine.
MIKE: You do realize, Rabbi Flynn, that the caffeine thing has nothing to do with Judaism, right? That's a Mormon thing. You can't just take something from Mormonism and start calling it Judaism.
PAT: Again with the pronouncements on other people's faith. What do you have against the freedom of religion?
MIKE: Look, OK, say I tell you I'm Catholic, right? Then suppose I tell you that I believe that there is no God but Allah, and Mohammed is his prophet. I mean …
PAT: Hey, whatever man. Doesn't matter. Free country.
MIKE: But it does matter. That's what Muslims believe. If I believe what Muslims believe then I can't go around calling myself a Catholic, can I?
PAT: So now you're the expert on Islam too?
MIKE: Jesus Christ!
PAT: Hey, man, don't blaspheme in front of the rabbi. …
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