7 Ways to Cope When You Take the Valentine’s Day Walk of Shame

Have you ever felt like an unloved loser because your husband doesn’t “do” Valentine’s Day?

It can be downright disappointing when you take the Valentine’s Day Walk of Shame because your husband doesn’t send you flowers, plan a romantic evening or even give you a card.

It’s easy to assume he doesn’t love or care about you when he doesn’t do something you’re hoping for.

And it’s easy to forget about the positive stuff he does all year round.

One year I surprised my husband. A couple of days before Valentine’s Day, I arranged for someone to stay with our kids, secured reservations at a nice restaurant, and we spent a night in a hotel downtown.

Most of the time, my husband recognizes me on Valentine’s Day. But that year, I woke up to nothing. Not a card, not a flower, petal not even a piece of candy.

I was hurt. I was disappointed. I was mad.

Do you slump into depression when your friends post pictures of flowers or detailed plans for romantic date nights and you come up empty year after year?

I hated Valentine’s Day when I worked because it was such an in-your-face day.

I always felt relieved when it fell on a weekend.

It was clearly a day of the “he loves me” and the “he loves me nots.”

If he sends flowers to work, you’re a winner. You take your place among cupid’s victors. You’re loved. You walk by other winners’ desks, admire their flowers and engage in idle chit-chat while looking with pity upon the forgotten ones.

If he doesn’t send flowers, you hang your head and take the Valentine’s Day Walk of Shame through the parking garage at the end of the work day, hot faced and embarrassed as you return to your car empty handed.

You try to convince yourself Valentine’s Day is stupid. You don’t need your husband to send you flowers to prove his love (all the while wishing some of those roses had your name on it).

You know he doesn’t need to send flowers to prove his love, but you’re hurt.

Why do we allow someone else to dictate what’s an acceptable display of love and when to show it?

Why do you feel disappointed–even ashamed–if your husband doesn’t recognize you on Valentine’s Day?

Some women truly don’t care whether or not their husbands recognize Valentine’s Day. But what if you do?

Instead of having a pity party, here are seven ways to cope if your husband doesn’t do Valentine’s Day:

1. Have a conversation with your husband about your expectations. If he agrees to recognize you, set up a plan to help him remember.
2. Express your thoughts with “I’m hurt because. . .” or “I’m disappointed because.. . “
3. Take initiative to come up with plans.
4. Maintain perspective. Is he normally considerate and thoughtful?
5. Remind yourself of all the ways he shows his love to you throughout the year.
6. Invest in making someone else’s day special. Buy candy or flowers for someone whose husband doesn’t recognize Valentine’s Day. Or have a girls night out.
7. Remind yourself–whether or not he recognizes you–Valentine’s Day doesn’t define your relationship.

Maybe he doesn’t buy you flowers on Valentine’s Day, but does he show his love dozens of other ways throughout the year?

Candy and flowers are nice, but are they the only acceptable ways he can express his love?

Does he start your car on cold days? Does he bring you coffee? Does he call or text to say he’s thinking of you? Do you catch him smiling when he’s looking at you? Does he make you feel safe, loved and cherished?

Does he work hard so you can stay home with your kids?

Love him for who he is instead of wishing he was like someone else.

Valentine’s Day is nice. But if he doesn’t recognize you or if he stops at a drug store on the way home from work to buy flowers or candy, don’t allow the day to become an annual source of disappointment in your marriage.

How do you cope if your husband doesn’t do Valentine’s Day?

Need skills to build intimacy?

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