What To Do When A Relationship Is Broken

Relationships make life worth living despite stress or a less-than-fun situation. The importance of relationships cannot be overstated. There you have it. I said it. And I stand by it. We find love, acceptance, and joy when sharing life with other humans.

Communicating, sharing, and loving someone who chooses to do the same in return is exhilarating.

I love my dog and value his unconditional affection, but he doesn’t mean as much to me as my wife does. (Sorry, Oscar.)

I love to play my guitar. I bought it when I was sixteen, and she is special to me (yes, she’s a she), but still, it’s just a possession, not a person.

I love ice cream and find a large bowl of salted caramel enjoyable, but five minutes of satisfaction can’t compare to the joy my grandchildren bring me.

However, like ice cream or my dog, occasionally, relationships can cause a headache. A brain freeze is painful, and so is a relationship freeze. Sometimes, the very ones we love the most hurt us the worst.

The thing about relationships with humans is that most of us (99.999%) are broken, so we tend to hurt each other regularly.

• We say things we shouldn’t say.
• We do things we shouldn’t do.
• We act out of selfishness or self-preservation too often.
• We are a confusing mix of good and not-so-good motives.
• We lie because we are afraid.
• We cheat because we are worried we won’t get what we want.
• We are sometimes fickle and erratic with our affections because we don’t want to suffer rejection (again).

I could go on and on, but you see what I mean. Our human condition can be awkward and disturbing sometimes, which can be challenging in relationships.

However, I agree with Sheila Walsh: “Brokenness is a better bridge for people than my pretend wholeness.” But seeing our human condition as a bridge rather than a barrier isn’t always the case. (I wrote a bit about that last week.)

We are all broken to some degree. We are emotional. As Yael Schonbrun wrote in this Washington Post article, “Relationships tend to be an area where we have to make significant, stress-inducing decisions when our heads are less clear.”

Oh, boy, isn’t that the truth? Because of our splintered and possibly shattered past, we are not as reasonable and rational as we’d like to think.

It Came To Pass

Throughout the Scriptures, there is a phrase that always captivates me. It’s the four-word statement, “It came to pass.” In the King Jimmy version, that phrase is used 452 times.

The first time is about Cain, “And in process of time it came to pass, that Cain brought of the fruit of the ground an offering unto the Lord” (Genesis 4:3).

The last time is in 1 Thessalonians 3:4, “For verily, when we were with you, we told you before that we should suffer tribulation; even as it came to pass, and ye know.”

This simple, short expression intrigues me because it signifies a season or passing of time that is undefined in length. “It came to pass” may mean weeks, months, or decades.

The other thing that fascinates me about the phrase is how often it is used in the context of struggle. The Apostle Paul was referring to being persecuted for his faith in Christ. In Ruth, chapter one, the statement is made about a time when a famine came to the land.

Regardless of the setting, the expression always refers to the passing of time. And let’s be honest, most of us are not good at waiting. For anything. Ever.

Many times—way too many times—I have done something stupid and caused a breach in a meaningful relationship. Being estranged from someone who matters to me is painful. My guitar never hurt me. My dog ticks me off occasionally but never shuts me out or rejects me.

But I ache when separated from someone I love, either because of their failures or mine. My soul agonizes over the failure, leading to anger, depression, or both.

The time between separation and restoration kills me.

I pray, “God, please make things right between us. Show me what to do. But Jesus DO SOMETHING!” And I want the healing now (or sooner, if possible).

I wrestle with the waiting.

I resist the passing of time.

I fear that the longer the struggle, the more dirt gets thrown on the casket of our broken relationship.

Patience may be a virtue, but what if they discover they don’t need me? What if they forget me with the passing of days, weeks, months, or (God forbid) years? What if our relationship is never restored?

Panic starts to creep into my mind, so I try to force the relationship and make things better. (Which has never worked, by the way.)

A Change In My View

Recently, however, God began to change my perspective. This alteration brought peace to my soul, and I hope it will do the same for you.

Rather than seeing that broken relationship buried in a dark place of loss, I see it now as a new seed planted in the ground. Rather than despair over my idiocy and the breach between us, I choose to believe that God does some of His best work in the dark.

And rather than fight the passing of time, I’m trusting that God will make “it come to pass” in just the right way when needed.

For the record, faith isn’t denying the reality of hardship or relationship struggles. True, godly faith is holding on to the One who cares more about whole and healthy relationships than we do. Even when we feel buried and in the dark.

And what God cares about, He takes care of and never gives up on.

Never.

You can find out more about Kurt Bubna and his writing on Twitter and Facebook. You can read more about his views and insights, both in his books and on his website.