Biblical Sexting: A How-To Guide

This Valentine’s Day, spice up your relationship the Bible way.

Step #1: Open with a Biblical compliment

Sweet

The Lord is with thee, mighty man of valor. (Jud 6:15)

You are a woman full of good works and alms deeds. (Acts 9:36)

You are perfect and upright. (Job 1:1)

Slightly racy

Your lips are like a crimson thread, and your mouth is lovely. (Songs 4:3)

You have ravished my heart with a glance of your eyes. (Songs 4:9)

Honey and milk are under your tongue. (Songs 4:11)

Very, Very Racy

Your thighs shelter a paradise of pomegranates (Songs 4:13)

Thy breasts are better than wine. (Songs 1:2)

Thy breasts are like clusters of grapes. (Songs 7:7)

Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle. (Songs 4:5)

[I know I personally appreciate my body parts being compared to animals of all kinds, but most especially gazelle fawns.]

Raciest

I lust after you, my lover, whose genitals are like those of donkeys and whose emission is like that of horses. (Ez 23:20)

You make my nard give forth its fragrance. (Songs 1:13)

Consider a question mark permission to proceed.

Step #2: Identify a (mildly or wildly) ridiculous Biblical prohibition, preferably from Leviticus of Deuteronomy, and fetishize it.

Go ahead and make me unclean, baby. (Lev 5:2)

Sow my field with your mingled seeds. (Lev 19:19)

I wanna drink your wine in the tabernacle. (Lev 10:9)

I’ll cook your goat in its mother’s milk. (Ex. 23:19)

I love it when you eat shellfish and wear mixed fabrics…so naughty. (Deut 22:11)

You can slaughter my goat on Sabbath. (Ex 35:2)

Step #3: Basically just let any ole biblical action stand in for the words you might otherwise be too embarrassed to say, er, text.

Throw your smooth stones at my head, baby. (I Sam 17:40)

You really turn my wheel within a wheel. (Ez 1:16)

Put your holy water in my clay jar. (Num 5:17)

I’d like to enjoy the pleasures of sin with you for a season. (Heb 11:25)

Step #4: Insert yourself into a Biblical passage and get creative

I want you so bad I’m crying tears of blood. (Luke 22:44)

Even if I was dead as Lazarus, you could make me come forth. (John 11:43)

King David has nothing on the things I plan to do to you. (2 Sam 11)

Rest your dove in the clefts of my rock. (Songs 2:14)

This is me, hiring you with mandrakes. (Gen 30:16)

Baby, you put flesh on my dry bones. (Ez 37)

Graze your flock where I rest my sheep (Songs 1:7)

Step #5: Take a photo

I know, I know, you were waiting for this one. There are two options that are approved by Sweet Baby Jesus:

A) Take a naked picture of a non-sexual body part, like an elbow, and pair it with a racy compliment from Step #1. They’ll get the idea.

B) Pair a non-sexual photo of an inanimate object with a corresponding racy verse.

Thy stature is like to a palm tree… I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of the boughs thereof. (Songs 7:7-8)

If your Special Someone is really a Bible nerd, use phrases from this bonus step—no references required:

I’d like to drive my tent stake through your nether temple.

Come to my bed of love like a Babylonian.

You’re worth so much more than 30 shekels to me.

I want to commit the Sin of Onan all over your navel.

WARNING: Biblical Sexting has consequences!

Using this Biblical Sexting How-To Guide may lead to some un-biblical sexting and/or very Biblical, ahem, lying together. If it does, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

And…you’re welcome.

Now, friends, may you eat, drink, and be drunk with love this Valentine’s Day. (Songs 5:1)

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