Mary And Me

My time in college set the stage for my spirituality and faith to continually deepen, always shaped by God’s loving presence in every moment of my life. In my darkest moments as a student, I knew I was never alone because He always sent help in multiple forms.

The Blessed Mother Mary was one of them, and it touches my heart to realize how long she’s watched over me as one of God’s strongest agents.

How I Met My Mother

She first appeared in a bizarrely vivid dream in 2014, where I saw a horde of demons emerging from the earth like mushrooms after a spring rain. Invoking her name summoned her smiling image, along with a massive blast of divine power that wiped out the entire horde. It was amazing seeing her face with my (dreaming) eyes!

After that, I communed with her off-and-on, understanding more and more what “communion of the saints” means. Calling on her warded off numerous forms of anxiety, and was an immense aid against the evil things I faced in my darkest nightmares. Evidently, Mary is a supreme conduct of God’s protective powers over His children.

In one of my lowest moments at college, calling on her was one of the few things (besides God always standing guard over me) that stopped me from falling into despair. After spending months in my Sophomore year denying the reality that I’d let myself linger in a toxic dorm environment, I had a massive breakdown one Sunday in that February over realizing just how bad it was.

During my desperate prayer, when I called on her, it was like the stopper I’d placed on my emotions was yanked away. All of the grief and anger I’d been pushing away surged viciously to the surface all at once, and in hindsight, thank goodness I was alone when it happened. Had the perpetrators been around me in that instant, there’s a scary chance that I would’ve lashed out at them.

After thinking back on that moment, I wonder if I also felt Mary’s emotions alongside my own. The instant I said the words “Mama Mary”, I started weeping, and my tears quickly transformed into a seething rage. Well, what mother wouldn’t be simultaneously grieved and enraged when her child is harmed?

There’s also another factor to this moment that took me a while to understand after I ignored one of the creepiest parts of this college trauma. As Mom knows, I’ve constantly been plagued with nightmares and midnight encounters with evil things, most likely malicious backlash over my deepening bond with God.

I remember that after I spitefully scorned something shadowy from entering my dorm room in the middle of the night that September, I didn’t have a single evil nightmare/visit until that Summer. Instead, my enemies were exclusively human. A malicious cluster of female floormates of mine suddenly started to show, in the form of catty indirect gossip, how low they saw me.

The week before things peaked in that dorm, I distinctly recall…”feeling” something toxic on the dorm floor. I’m not sure what the best way is to describe this. Call it a “sixth sense” if you will. I knew that there was a malevolent presence on that floor, beyond the malicious girls who had made me the object of their slanderous wills.

I developed an uncomfortable theory that, as farfetched as this might sound, that the Devil had been on my dorm floor, manipulating my floormates into doing what they did.

For better or worse I confirmed this as true the following year after we all returned from our Spring Break. I asked God directly, “Did the Devil send ‘bad people’ against me to distract me?”

God answered me immediately, affirming my suspicions by blatant social signs, and later with one of the most disturbing “evil nightmares” I’ve ever had. Two or three scarlet, reptilian humanoid abominations cornered me in a cavernous place, sneering at me and telepathically telling me, “We tried to ruin your birth.”

Imagine me and Mom’s mutual horror when I shared this with her, and she revealed that her doctor had suggested she abort me during her pregnancy with me.

I had obtained horrifying evidence that the Devil’s been out to get me since before I was born. After this, the social harassment I’d dealt with off-and-on practically disappeared, and my disturbing encounters resumed. It was like the Devil had been caught red-handed, and saw no point in hiding in the shadows any longer.

Now I think I understand why I felt so much rage on that Sunday long ago. God and Mary must’ve both been enraged at the Devil potentially trying to get me to…well, commit suicide. The conditions back then were unfortunately perfect for that scenario, though thankfully I didn’t have any of those thoughts or plans.

After this, it seems Mary permanently took me under her wing, frequently appearing in my dreams, such as these occurrences:

A dream I had of her statue offering me a fresh lily in her hand, and hearing her offer to help me in my faith journey
A jarringly vivid dream where she appeared, holding my hand to comfort me while using her other hand to paralyze an evil spirit trying to haunt me
Vanquishing a dream embodiment of toxic masculinity that had been plaguing me for some time
The absolutely epic dream-vision where she lured a demon that had haunted me out into the open, so she and St. Michael the Archangel could obliterate it

And then, just the recent blessings of this last month alone! I recently woke up in the middle of the night and had a vision of her wielding a sword, looking ready to smite evil with motherly fury. It dispelled the rush of anxiety that had overtaken me that night. No demon would’ve dared tried to mess with me when she was prepared to strike.

Not long after that vision, I saw her incarnation as the Virgin of Guadalupe flash through my mind during a particularly weary night of depression. It uplifted me, and led to this wonderful surprise of a t-shirt at my thrift store the very next day!

*A gorgeous t-shirt featuring Our Lady of Guadalupe! (Photo by Connor Brennan)*

Not long after all of this, I spent one morning meditating on her sword vision, and the realization that it means she’s been guarding me against any evil intentions against me. Out of nowhere, this piercing thought entered my mind, and it brought tears to my eyes:

“I’m sick of it.”
Mary to me

I think I heard/felt Mary’s angry thoughts on what I’ve dealt with. No doubt, after seeing for herself how many attempts have been evidently made to break me, Mary must be seething with motherly fury.

The overwhelming evidence that Mary herself is watching out for me as I combat my depression is so soothing. In all sincerity, this is the best I’ve felt in a long time, especially since I first became acutely aware of how poor my emotional health has been.

Check out this video on the story of Guadalupe, it’s amazing!

The Queen of Stars

This personalized version of the classic “Hail Mary” entered my mind in the middle of the night a couple of weeks ago:

"Hail Mary, 
Mother of Mercy,
Queen of the stars and angels..."

What thrills me about this is the connection therein to J.R.R. Tolkien’s Elvish hymn A Elbereth Gilthoniel, a hymn composed in honor of Varda, the LOTR universe’s most beloved female divine entity. Varda is one of the “Valar”, the equivalent of saints/angels in this fantastical universe. She’s known by many names, such as “Elbereth” (Queen of the Stars) and “Gilthoniel” (Starkindler).

Wikipedia‘s article on this Elvish hymn shows that there are subtly powerful references to our Heavenly Queen in Tolkien’s writing.

Researchers see clear comparisons between A Elbereth Gilthoniel and “Hail Queen of Heaven, the Ocean Star”, a popular Catholic hymn.

Mary was definitely an inspiration for Varda/Elbereth Gilthoniel. In a chain of influences, she’s likely thus the root of inspiration for Elune, the moon goddess in the World of Warcraft universe, who’s also seen as the “Queen of the Stars”.

A Mother’s Protection

To all my friends and family: thank you always for caring for my wellbeing, especially these last few months. It’s been a rough, emotional transitional process, and I’m grateful for each of you.

I assure you all, I’m in good hands, even when I’m alone. Nothing evil can hope to even come near me when the Virgin Mary herself has taken up the sword in my defense. The Queen of Stars and Angels has my back, and no shadow can haunt me now. I’m grateful for God’s Handmaiden, and for God guaranteeing that no matter what, I know I’m safe. Neither my depression nor my enemies can hope to harm me now.