A Modest Proposal

Whereas, it has become increasingly difficult to account for the spilt unborn seminal fluid;

Whereas, it has become increasingly difficult to account for the unborn ovum released during ovulation;

Whereas, it has become increasingly difficult to track the menses to its natural completion;

It shall be declared on this day of the Lord, that in order to maintain the natural order of the world, from this day forward and forever onward, the following:

For every child born and rightly so named a male, the properly so named Mother and Father shall be given a container to henceforth and so on catch and keep the fluids emanating from the manhood of said male child until such said time as male child is able to catch his own fluids.

Any such spilling of such fluids shall not be subject to any fines or punishment as it is deemed Holy and natural for the male of the species to carry forth and spill here, there, and everywhere.

It shall be further declared that for every new child born and rightly so named a female, the properly so named Mother and Father shall permit an implant into said female that shall track her ovulation, menstruation, and pregnancies from the date of birth until the date of death, inclusive, without exception or objection.

Failure to allow such implant shall result in forfeiture of said female child to a more appropriate home, whereby the child shall be immediate implanted and provided the necessary guidance to acquiesce to the true nature of her creation.

Furthermore, in order to protect and defend the natural order and the natural urination and defecation of all people, both male and female children, immediately upon birth, but not fewer than 666 seconds after birth, shall be implanted with a gender device. This device may be made of any material so deemed appropriate by the implanting body, but shall not be bendable.

As so ordered, every public restroom in this land shall immediately outfitted with a gender device reader.  Upon detecting a person attempting to use a facility not of his or her birth, an alarm shall sound reminding you of today’s date.