A rucksack full of greed

Yesterday I arrived at my week’s writing retreat at the Clockhouse in the Shropshire hills. I had been anticipating it all month, wondering what my fellow writers would be like, and whether I would manage to finish my novel as I hoped.

I brought with me a heavy black rucksack full of greed, hate and delusion. In it was chocolate biscuits, posh crisps, marzipan, treacle biscuits, nuts, fruit bars, lemon and cardamom chocolate…

After unpacking I met my fellow writers who were both lovely, and both very successful in their own fields. I came upstairs to my room and the questions started. How successful am I in my field? Should I have been successful in their fields instead? As a Buddhist, should I be worrying about how successful I am at all? Is my writing as good as their writing? Am I as good as them? Am I?

I turned to my rucksack and cracked open the chocolate biscuits. I went online and got lost. By the end of the evening I was miserable. I couldn’t imagine ever letting go of any of my favourite compulsions – I seemed to get one under control and another one popped up. I was so disappointed at the gap between the way I want to behave and the way I actually do. I was so tired by the great weight of my metaphorical rucksack, which I carry everywhere.

I sent a few messages to friends asking for support, and before I went to sleep I asked the Buddhas for help. What was the answer? How can I be a better person? How can I SOLVE this?

In the morning, an answer came to me when I was practising nembutsu. Of course, whether the answer came from the Buddha or my own subconscious is up for debate. I don’t mind which as long as it works, but the answer did seem to come from outside of me, from a bigger wisdom that has more of the pieces of the puzzle than I do.

The answer: You have your black rucksack because at the moment you need it. You feel too vulnerable without it. Maybe in the future you will be ready to leave it at home – but don’t worry too much about that now. What really messes with the quality of your days is the compulsive internet checking and browsing. Let me help you with that for now, and don’t beat yourself up when you eat too many chocolate biscuits.

And so this morning I have recommitted to checking my email and Facebook just once a day, which has worked so well for me in the past. When I manage to do this, my days open up like the sweeping fields I can see from my desk here. I am no longer tugged around by an insistent need to receive affirmation, or distracted by red notifications. I am free.

This morning I’ve done some yoga and written some of my novel and it’s still early. I need to be careful when things go well like this. I start feeling smug, and the hope springs in me that I could be like this all the time, if only I tried hard enough.

The Buddha smiles at me indulgently when I have these thoughts. I know from previous experience that I will continue to be bombu, a foolish being. I will have good days and bad days. I will feel centred and calm and full of faith, and then I will get jealous again, or lie to look good, or eat too many chocolate biscuits.

A blue-tit just swooped in and perched on the outside of my window frame. His feet scrabble on the glass, and he looks inside the room with his beautiful shining eye. Come back into the present! he says. Look! Look at all this!

I will continue to make mistakes and to fail myself and others. Life will be shot through with suffering.

Right now, I am happy.

Namo Amida Bu.

PS Today is the start of Nembutsu November, a free 30 day course to give you an experience of nembutsu practice. If you’d like to start today or at a future, just put your email address in the box on this page.