The Crucible of Change

If someone asked me, “If there was just one book you would recommend on the topic of marriage, which one would it be?“, I would respond David Schnarch’s Passionate Marriage. It is profound. And it applies to any kind of relationship, not just marriage. But here’s a couple of quotes from the book I would like to just mention today:

Crucibles are always interlocking. When one partner goes into his crucible, the other partner goes into hers– or gets out of the marriage.

and…

Carl Jung said, ‘To become acquainted with oneself is a terrible shock.’ It’s hard admitting that our lives are full of error and self-deception. But this very admission, though painful, makes possible its opposite– a differentiated life, lived with integrity. Tears of recognition and relief often flow with the dawn of self-awareness. But while the truth will set you free, remember the psychologist Erich Fromm’s observation of humankind’s attempt to escape from such freedom. The truth is liberating– but only when you have the courage to live it.

I continually assert, change is difficult and almost impossible on two fronts: we resist personally, and it is resisted by those around us. I’ll use myself as an example. When I change, it forces others to change or it forces others to distance themselves from me. We must refuse not to change. In spite of the enormous pressure to stay the same, we are to reject this pressure with all that is within us. We must be changed. We must be transformed. It comes about by the renewing or changing of the mind. Count the cost! I’ve realized the cost the very first time I decided to be who I was. The cost is to our own comfort and security, and it almost always costs relationships. We know this. But Fromm is right! The joy and peace of this freedom is truly remarkable and irreplaceable. No matter how expensive it becomes, I will still pay the price. It is worth it.

How about you?