Being Real Rather Than Happy

Sometimes I shock my students and the other people who come to my Zen center by suggesting our spiritual practice doesn’t change us or make us happy. People usually argue with me, which is a good sign, I guess. It means meditation and Zen practice is doing them some good. I certainly don’t deny that’s possible.

What strikes me as less than useful is our tendency, especially as we get older, to have an increasing level of investment in having things all worked out. Each of us is supposed to have figured out a way to happiness, or at least enough happiness. It’s like a badge we carry around. If we’ve been trained in a particular route to happiness we can become an advocate for, or even a teacher of, that way. If we’ve discovered a novel route to happiness we can write books about it, offer workshops, and sell it to people. Just browse your local bookstore or magazine rack – so many routes to happiness, and all of them guaranteed!

I fall into the same trap. Now I’m a “Zen teacher.” In my mind I imagine I’m supposed to be a poster child for how Zen can make you happy (and, ideally, a better and more compassionate person too). I become invested in knowing, and in staying happy. If I’m not happy, I have failed. I am a fraud. I am betraying all of the people I have convinced to practice Zen.

You probably also have people depending on you and your ability to stay happy – students, employees, children… it’s a pretty strong motivation to lie to yourself when you’re feeling a little depressed, discouraged, sad, aimless, etc. Get back on your happiness track! Get your act together! Work harder at your proven method of happiness production, or – if necessary – find a new method.

I don’t know, maybe it’s just me. But I doubt it.

After one recent, public self-revelation of a state of confusion and sadness I was experiencing, one of my Zen teachers upbraided me for betraying my work as a priest. He suggested I was undermining people’s faith in the Dharma, or the Zen path. I took his criticism seriously and wonder if perhaps he is right.

And yet, when I examine my heart deeply, what I find is this: my practice, ultimately, is the practice of no bullshit. It’s about returning to zero and being radically honest with myself.  It’s about letting go of concepts like happiness, unhappiness, success and failure. It’s about being absolutely real. And as much as I’d love to really be full of love and light all the time, it’s just not the case.

So Zen isn’t a route to happiness, and I hate it when it’s presented that way, or when I feel obligated to present it that way.

And yet, it’s better to be real. It’s so much better to be real – whether you’re happy or miserable,  whether you’ve got it together or your life’s a mess – I highly recommend whatever path takes you toward being more real. Being more real means being more alive.