I need an opinion on masturbation…

I am a 29 year old active, loving, strong member of the LDS church. I am MARRIED nearly 7 years to a beautiful, loving wife (yes we were married in the temple) I have struggled ALL MY LIFE with sexual sin, masturbation being at the core of it all. I served a mission, and am Eagle Scout, serve in the Young Men’s presidency in my ward and am really trying to do the Lord’s will and have the spirit with me to guide and lead me so I can have peace and joy in my life. I have been inactive for a while off and on during my years in the church mainly because of the feelings of complete shame and guilt I would feel not being able to “control my body” and cease the act of masturbation. This of course led to an addiction to pornography where I would indulge my sexual guilt and go to find my comfort and solace. Realizing now that behavior to be COMPLETELY detrimental to everything I’m trying to achieve in my life and causes a complete lack of the spirit in my life, I am really really working hard to break that habit and clean up my thoughts and actions.

Now here’s where my problem comes in…

As I mentioned…I’m a married man. Well, my wife and I have 3 beautiful little children and JUST NOW had a new baby. My wife is laid up in bed, in pain and of course we aren’t allowed to have intercourse for up to 6 weeks. Well it’s already been about 2 weeks and needless to say I’m struggling. The urge to masturbate is stronger than ever and I’m really trying to fight it off but as I continue to struggle with it it finally dawned on me that maybe I really need to talk to someone about this. I have talked to my Father in Heaven about it and I was led here. I don’t feel comfortable talking to my bishop or Priesthood leaders because they are my friends plus I don’t really want to continue to be fed manipulation and guilt surrounding this topic.

My wife is laid up, in too much pain to even “help me out.” I’m not having wet dreams because I’m almost 30 years old and I can’t focus. I’m stressed and this is causing me a lot of pain both physically and spiritually and for once I’d really like to get an LDS PROFESSIONAL’s opinion on the matter. I’m really hoping you can help me here.

As I said I’m really trying to do what’s right and live a pure and clean life…I don’t do drugs, I don’t drink alcohol, I have NEVER cheated on my wife with another woman, I’m a very good person and this is my only vice really…and it’s tearing me up inside and I don’t know what to do…

I really don’t feel that if I were to masturbate WITHOUT DISRESPECT, WITHOUT PORNOGRAPHY and in a very respectful way that it would be detrimental to my spiritual and physical well being.

What are your thoughts on this?

I am choosing to respond to this post “out of order” because of the addictive qualities present and the time limitation of this problem. Here are my thoughts:

• Congratulations on the birth of your new child!
• Congratulations on your desire to rid yourself of a pornography habit!
• Congratulations on your ability to see yourself as a “very good person” in spite of your weaknesses. You ARE a good person. You are a son of God! You’re just struggling with something that is serious but not that uncommon. And on top of it, you are attempting to take on the battle and win it. Good for you!
• Although many times linked together, pornography and masturbation are two completely different issues that differ greatly in seriousness of “sin” and sexual health. Sometimes issues with masturbation can lead to issues with pornography – but not always.
• You are completely correct in realizing that your overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame do more to deter your success than to help it along.
• Progress in any type of addiction is not usually without relapse. Don’t use this as an excuse but rather as a way to be patient with yourself and not fall into past patterns of self-loathing.
• One thing you do not mention is whether or not your wife is aware of your issues with pornography and/or masturbation. Therefore, I do not know what kind of resource she can be for you at this point.
• If it’s a choice between pornography and masturbation, by all means choose masturbation!
• On a side note, there is no scientific evidence that shows masturbation to be damaging physically (unless addiction has reached a point where the genital area becomes raw or sore – masturbating numerous times within an hour for example which is not that common and is more tied to issues dealing with OCD). Masturbation is damaging when it is associated with rigid guilt/shame or when it becomes a substitution for true intimacy with a spouse.

Here are my preferences on how I would want you to proceed:

• It would be most beneficial for your intimacy as a couple if your wife is aware of your issues and chooses to be a helpmate through this process of recovery. This would mean that she would need to be educated about addiction, its influences, the recovery process and what she can or should expect along the process.
• If she is aware and willing to help, it would be most beneficial if you could masturbate either somehow in her presence or at least with her “permission” and knowledge.
• If she is not aware, I would still rather you choose masturbation over pornography and then work towards talking about this issue with your wife in the near future. If you’re afraid of her response, this may be a good time to consider marital therapy of some sort.
• As you masturbate, I would encourage you to become aware of your sexual thoughts and fantasies. Are you able to masturbate to thoughts of your wife or are you depending solely on pornographic material previously viewed?
• Also, just because she is in pain and cannot have sex with you for six weeks, try to take into account what your wife’s physical intimacy needs are during this time as well. It may not include intercourse, but she may need touch in other ways such as hugs, cuddling, positive affirmation, comments on how beautiful you find her, etc. Ask her.
• Whenever anyone is dealing with something addictive it is important that they know this is not a battle one needs to face alone. Those who take part in some type of group counseling (which offers great accountability) usually have better success at recovery. There is an addictions group that is now offered in most areas by the church itself and if not there are always other community and/or internet resources.

Remember that secrecy and shame are your biggest enemies.
Good luck! Keep up the great work and the positive attitude.