The Mormon Therapist
Since the libidos of men and women function very differently, I think masturbation can affect women differently than men. At least in my marriage, my husband and I are definitely different in what turns us on and what it takes to reach an orgasm. You said…
I’m assuming you mean that if a spouse masturbates, he/she will have less desire to have sex with his/her spouse because that desire will have been satisfied by masturbating. On another blog about sexuality for LDS women, there has been a lot of talk about masturbation actually INCREASING a woman’s libido. As a married woman, I know in the past when I had slipped up, I had more desire to be with my husband afterwards.
I assumed I was unique and didn’t give it much thought until I read more about it recently on the LDS women sexuality blog. Many of the women commenters said that masturbation (alone, not during lovemaking) has improved their libido and helped them think about sex more. I agree with one commenter that described her sex drive as “use it or lose it.” Another one of the commenters linked to a site where a female sex therapist talked about this issue. Here’s a quote from the site:
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“Dallas Sex Therapist Lauren Jordan hears this all the time from women she works with:
“I would feel guilty if I used a vibrator for self-stimulation, because I have so little desire – what I do have should be shared with my partner.”
“This comment reflects a common belief that masturbation takes sexual energy away from your partner, and is therefore not good for your relationship. Two Indiana University studies just released their findings that totally contradict this belief.”
“In the studies, they found that vibrator use is associated with more positive sexual function, and being more proactive about taking care of one’s sexual health.”
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Assuming that both spouses are aware and approving of the practice, and that thoughts are directed towards the spouse (like past sexual encounters with spouse) what do you think of the idea that, FOR WOMEN, masturbation can improve their drive and their overall intimacy with their husband?
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I have been reading your blog off and on for months, and I think your advice is well thought out, and appropriate.
For the past 3 years my husband and I have made greater strides in strengthening our sexual relationship. We have been married 16 years.
Over the years our lack of sex was always sort of a relief. I had lots of pain with sex after my first child. I didn’t care about sex, and thought that was how most married couples felt. Now I’m getting older, and I realize that I never enjoyed it, because I never had enough clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm. I thought that hot passionate sex was what “worldly people” had. I know that sounds crazy, but my parents never talked about sex, and I never had any sisters or anyone that ever talked about sex with me. My husband was pretty sheltered as well.
I started to do Kegal exercises to strengthen my PC muscles and also began to do some “self stimulation” to help my body discover what kind on stimulation it likes. This was very difficult for me, as I’ve always felt that it is wrong to self stimulate. I’m starting to realize that the body has to learn how to have an orgasm, so I’m a little more comfortable with the idea that this has been a necessary step for me, to help strengthen our physical relationship.
My question for you is this. My husband and I spend 3-4 night a week apart from each other because of his job. My body is in an awakening stage. I like and want sex, more than ever before, but because of the distance and time issues, we only have love making session a few times a month at best. (It has been 1 1/2 months since our last love making session.) I want more than this. I have expressed this several times. It seems to cause contention. He does not initiate sex very often. He has ED issues which he can take medication for, and takes hormone replacement therapy for low testosterone. What do you suggest I do about it. Would continuing to masturbate on days that he is gone help to satisfy that need, or would this be causing damage to our relationship. He knows about my self stimulation and is happy I’m doing it, because I am more responsive to him now.Aside from these issues we have always had a respectful, happy, loving marriage. I want very much to take our relationship to an even better level. I realize there is no quick fix for any of these issues. I appreciate your time to help others.
For the past 3 years my husband and I have made greater strides in strengthening our sexual relationship. We have been married 16 years.
Over the years our lack of sex was always sort of a relief. I had lots of pain with sex after my first child. I didn’t care about sex, and thought that was how most married couples felt. Now I’m getting older, and I realize that I never enjoyed it, because I never had enough clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm. I thought that hot passionate sex was what “worldly people” had. I know that sounds crazy, but my parents never talked about sex, and I never had any sisters or anyone that ever talked about sex with me. My husband was pretty sheltered as well.
I started to do Kegal exercises to strengthen my PC muscles and also began to do some “self stimulation” to help my body discover what kind on stimulation it likes. This was very difficult for me, as I’ve always felt that it is wrong to self stimulate. I’m starting to realize that the body has to learn how to have an orgasm, so I’m a little more comfortable with the idea that this has been a necessary step for me, to help strengthen our physical relationship.
My question for you is this. My husband and I spend 3-4 night a week apart from each other because of his job. My body is in an awakening stage. I like and want sex, more than ever before, but because of the distance and time issues, we only have love making session a few times a month at best. (It has been 1 1/2 months since our last love making session.) I want more than this. I have expressed this several times. It seems to cause contention. He does not initiate sex very often. He has ED issues which he can take medication for, and takes hormone replacement therapy for low testosterone. What do you suggest I do about it. Would continuing to masturbate on days that he is gone help to satisfy that need, or would this be causing damage to our relationship. He knows about my self stimulation and is happy I’m doing it, because I am more responsive to him now.Aside from these issues we have always had a respectful, happy, loving marriage. I want very much to take our relationship to an even better level. I realize there is no quick fix for any of these issues. I appreciate your time to help others.
Second post from same person: I’ve been pondering a lot about my own question and hoping that somehow I’ll get “divine inspiration” about what to do. I realize that you can’t give me advice that would tell me what to do, but I’m hoping that you have some good advice for couples who are frequently apart. My husband and I have been apart for a good part of our marriage. We have been separated several months at a time on several occasions when he was in the military. We are separated several times a week for his current job. I always worry that not having a good sex life will lead him to another woman. However, he does not initiate sex very often. In fact, I have been waiting for the past month to see if he he would initiate. I’ve expressed my concerns about this issue with him, and he tells me that he has not been tempted by other women. I do believe him, because he has a very loyal personality. He is always telling me how lucky he is to have me. He is always really complimentary to me and for what I do for him and our family. For most of our marriage I have suppressed my sexual needs because it was easier to deal with our being apart all of the time. I’ve immersed myself in hobbies and church callings and kids to overcome the feelings of inadequacy in the bedroom. I tried to not even think about it, and even convinced myself that sex was Satan’s playground, and religious people only need the gospel to have happiness in life. We never talk about sex in our church. I have no idea how often my friends are having sex. I have since changed my views on that, and know that Heavenly Father created sex, and it’s purpose is to bring a married couple closer.
When we do make love lately it is always loving. I’m wondering why doesn’t he want sex as much as me? I am willing to wait the 3 or 4 days that he is gone and not have any sexual stimulation. I’ve been doing that most of our marriage, however I don’t think it is healthy. If I lose the desire for sex all together, it could go back to the way it was. A wonderful parallel marriage, with not a lot of physical contact. I know that is not what Heavenly Father had in mind for marriage. Masturbating and doing kegal exercises has helped me to realize there isn’t anything wrong with me. I am capable of having an orgasm. I don’t have one very often with my husband, because during our love making sessions, even though I think they are nice, he likes certain positions and a particular type of touch and thrusting to climax. Like I said below, he has issues with ED. He likes to do things a certain way so that he knows he will climax. I know that he isn’t really happy with that either, because he really wants me to be satisfied as well, but he his better at receiving than giving. I talked to him about it last night, and he tells me that he doesn’t enjoy being the one that gets all of the pleasure. We made love several times this weekend, but I initiated most of those sessions. Most of the time it was offering to give him massages. He is always happy to receive those.
I do believe that many of these issues stem from his upbringing, guilt, and probably poor self esteem. I think he would benefit from counseling, but that suggestion is often met with resistance and defensiveness. How do I get the satisfaction and love that I need and want without breaking the commandments or going against the counsel of our church members. I’ve been giving my whole life, and usually giving means that you will get back in return. That has not happened. I feel guilty, frustrated, and unsure of how to proceed. Your help would be wonderful.
I am so glad you both felt comfortable enough to post such difficult and personal questions. So many people are dealing with similar struggles and issues. Here are some of my thoughts:
- First of all, it sounds like your marriage is laced with wonderful strengths: positive communication traits, loving gestures, loyalty, the ability to enjoy love-making when it does occur, etc., etc…
- I applaud your willingness to challenge your own sexual perceptions that you had developed over the years. As a result you are adopting a much healthier stance on human sexuality, its connection to a divine source with its divine purposes and opening up possibilities within your relationship that otherwise would not have been possible (i.e. sex IS part of the gospel). It sounds like you may have caught your husband off guard 🙂 and he may still be in the process of just trying to catch up to where you are. If he grew up with many of the same perceptions you’ve had, he may not be on the same continuum of progress that you’ve made. So patience with each other is going to be necessary as you both move forward.
- Yes, male and female libido and sexual response can be very different. This is why it takes creativity, communication, effort, compromise, respect, and a good mixture between selfishness and selflessness to achieve a healthy sexual relationship. This takes time and is really an ongoing process. Females need clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm and the type of clitoral stimulation needed can vary widely among women. Self-education and spousal-education on what works is important for every couple to work on. And many times tools such as a vibrator can be found mutually beneficial. Your willingness to begin the sexual process with massage is genius and the type of creativity I encourage. Here is something he obviously enjoys, it is something you can comfortably give of yourself, and it is a method that will prove sensual for you both. Hopefully he returns the favor? If not, maybe it’s time you directly ask him to.
- Sex being painful after childbirth is not uncommon and yet many couples are taken aback and surprised when this happens (usually because they have not been educated about this possibility). This can be the case whether the birth was vaginal or c-section. Painful Sex After Childbirth offers some helpful information.
- Erectile dysfunction can unfortunately cause deep psychological barriers for men. Although it is a common thing to experience sometime during the life cycle, men aren’t usually discussing this issue openly. Myths and misconceptions are usually prevalent. And of course, it does little for the male ego in our sexually charged culture. Not being able to function sexually as one had hoped and then the barrage of jokes regarding the “getting it up” process can deeply affect feelings of manhood (which in turn does not help with the erection process and a negative cycle ensues). “ED affects between 15 and 30 million American men. Nearly all men suffer from this condition at some point in their lives. In the past, ED was generally attributed to psychological factors. However, recent research indicates that as many as 75 percent of all ED cases result from medical problems, usually related to the vascular (blood supply) system in the penis. Vascular problems that cause ED may be related to high cholesterol, diabetes, smoking, surgery or medication.” Mayo Clinic It is important for both spouses to be educated regarding ED and to also be discussing this issue openly with a primary care physician. There are many different types of treatment available. Seeing a specialist may be necessary as well. Other good articles regarding ED: A difficult subject for men: erectile dysfunction and Women & Impotence: A Woman’s Point of View About Male Impotence
- It is a positive sign that your husband wants to pleasure you. But since he’s already worried and stressed about his own performance he may not know exactly how to go about this. One thing you may try is stimulating yourself to the point of orgasm while he just watches. This can be a very erotic exercise for both of you. You may also start taking on the role of teaching him how to stimulate you as well. I have mentioned before the site called simply sweet marriage. They sell erotic tools in a tasteful fashion that you may find fun and useful in your sexual discovery together. Another sex therapy exercise is to have an evening of just exploration without trying to achieve orgasm (sensate focus). One can play the role of receiver and one of giver and then take turns. The receiver’s job is to just relax and enjoy the process. The role of giver is to caress, massage, and explore but not with the intent of causing orgasm. This allows for some of the pressure to dissipate and for an enjoyable process to ensue for both. One thing that many couples who have to spend time physically apart have found helpful is “phone sex.” What’s useful about this type of exercise is that it puts couples on a completely different playing field than what they are usually used to – mainly they really have to TALK to each other. And talk to each other in a passionate and sensual way. What an alien concept! 🙂
- I have done a lot of research on “official” stances the church takes regarding sexual practices within a marriage and I have come to the conclusion that they really don’t want to dictate to couples what they should or should not be doing. They want couples to explore this arena together as a joint effort, including Heavenly Father in the equation. What’s right for one couple will not always be the case for another. And we know that part of the learning process we are here on earth to experience is to figure things out on our own. We are given basic principles and then allowed to be “entrepreneurs” per se of our own lives. Here are some questions I think most couples can find useful in coming up with their own comfort zones: Does this practice help me feel closer to my spouse or does it draw us further apart? Is this practice in any way, shape or form actually harmful to my or my spouse’s anatomy? Does this practice include pornography? Does this practice lead me towards something addictive? Is this practice causing fantasies that are not in line with our marriage? I believe that most couples can make very good decisions about their sexual health when communicating openly, respecting the other’s feelings/thoughts/background, and addressing the types of questions above. If you and your husband feel comfortable about the fact that your self-stimulating is increasing your libido, that it is done in a way that increases your intimacy and that your fantasy thoughts are focused on your spouse, then this decision is really up to the two of you. Put trust in yourself and in your husband.
- I will always recommend sex and/or marital therapy in these situations. This is not because you can’t be successful without seeing a therapist, but because therapy can so often speed progress and be beneficial in ways that were not even anticipated.
- On a side note I would be interested to know which LDS female sexuality blog you are referring to above.
Overall, I wish you the very best in this endeavor we call sexual discovery and journey. What a fantastic place to be able to delve into these processes – that of marriage with one whom you know loves and is loyal to you.
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