A Rebuttal To Doreen Virtue’s Attack On Unicorns

Image Credit: Jozef Klopacka | Standard License

In the past, I wrote a piece about how Doreen Virtue’s conversion to Christianity and denouncing of her New Age teachings was something we should try to respect because it’s her path and not ours. Despite not ever being interested in her work, I didn’t want her denouncement and conversion to discourage folks who were following her to give up the tools and practices that they had learned from her if they helped them on their spiritual path. Well, things have changed a bit.

On Doreen Virtue’s website, she has a page called “An A-Z List of New Age Practices to Avoid, and Why” where she pretty much calls everything demonic and satanic from Mindfulness to Harry Potter to Peace Signs. Please note that the site will take a long time to load, perhaps she should have added Slow Web Hosting Servers to her list. Despite her massive disrespect to other cultures on the page and her bizarre referencing to herself in plural (DOREEN IS LEGION, FOR SHE IS MANY!), there’s one thing that I found more hilarious than anything else on the list.

Screen capture from Doreen Virtue’s Website

Doreen Virtue states that “Neon-colored unicorn images can be used by the devil to mesmerize us into his kingdom, where glitter substitutes for the bright light of Jesus. Remember that the devil always copies God, using poor quality substitutes.”

That is just unfair and cruel. Who hates unicorns? According to folklore and fairytales… it’s monsters. That’s who. Unicorns are perhaps the best thing ever. Let me remind you of a few of the countless reasons why Unicorns are awesome:

Unicorns don’t judge you. They’re full of unconditional love and just want you to be happy, even if you’re making lists about how everyone’s spiritual practices are Satanic.
Despite being on the endangered species list for centuries, they still keep their poise and remain majestic AF, even when New Age teachers exploit them to make tons of money by putting their image on oracle cards and then denouncing them entirely when a larger and a more lucrative religious audience becomes a possibility for them.
They literally poop rainbow sherbert. Do you? Probably not.
Instead of using their horn to make human shish kebabs, they use their horn mostly to heal others.
Sometimes they DO use their horn to make human shish kebabs. That’s pretty neat.
They smell like sunshine and friendship and they know the way to both candy land and the imagination station.
They can manipulate the power of rainbows like a pro and will often exert this power to rescue those in need.
All they desire is for everyone to find true happiness and true love. They help every boy and girl to learn the power of dreaming and believing in themselves.
Oberon Zell-Ravenheart can make them out of goats.
But most of all, they can be used by the devil to mesmerize us into his kingdom, where glitter substitutes for the light of Jesus…