When It Comes to Sex, Men are Visual and Women are Emotional

When Karen and I first got married, I was completely ignorant about the inherent sexual differences between us. My ignorance was compounded by a limited sexual “education,” by way of pornography, locker-room lies, and the media’s portrayals of sex.

After getting married, we had an active sex life and were attracted to each other, but our wrong sexual expectations caused a great deal of frustration. It was years before we finally understood—and began to respect—our differences.

But as we grew in these areas, we let go of our unrealistic expectations and saw our sexual intimacy and pleasure increase dramatically.

One of the differences we learned was that men are visually stimulated, and women are emotionally stimulated.

No, women aren’t blind when it comes to sex, but they have a much greater capacity for responding to emotional stimulation. When men don’t take the time to talk to their wives or meet their emotional and romantic needs, this lack of support costs them dearly when it comes to sex.

Men, your wife isn’t going to turn on sexually just because you take your clothes off. She is more likely to turn on because you’ve talked to her throughout the day. She’ll respond better once you’ve paid attention to her outside the bedroom.

Why? Because her emotional nature is linked closely to her sexuality. This is how God created women.

To understand this, we must recognize that God is concerned about the overall integrity of the relationship—not just about sex. God designed sex in marriage to reach its potential only when genuine care and sensitivity are present.

God’s plan is not for a selfish husband to ignore his wife until bedtime, at which point he then expects her to perform sexually. It won’t work that way. God designed it so jerks don’t get good sex.

Good sex occurs when a husband learns to care for his wife in a sensitive and sacrificial manner. He pursues her romantically. He pleases her according to her level of need or desire. As a result, his wife becomes sexually responsive to him.

On the other hand, men are undeniably visual when it comes to sex. To fulfill her husband’s sexual desires, a woman must realize he can become aroused very quickly simply by looking at her.

Women may be more critical of their own bodies and don’t respond visually as much as men, so they have a tendency to discount this issue.

That’s not fair to their husbands. Because by doing so, you frustrate your husband’s need and desire to see your naked body—regardless of how you feel about yourself, he likes it.

Wives, your marriage deserves more than pitch-black bedrooms and bulky flannel nightgowns. Step outside your comfort zone. Try on some attractive lingerie. Let your husband see your body.

Just as a man needs to understand and meet his wife’s emotional needs, a woman must respect and fulfill her husband’s visual needs. The world’s best sex happens when we respect the differences in our spouses.