Love, Joy, Feminism
I recently came upon two videos on why Christians shouldn’t masturbate. For each, I will offer the video and then the transcript with commentary. While the unnamed actor in each video works to be hip, these videos are nonetheless good examples of how evangelicals tend to approach masturbation (and it’s not pretty).
First the video for women:
I’m going to provide the transcript for each, with commentary. We’ll start with the video for women, just to shake things up.
Hey girl, I was just thinking about masturbation. What you say? We’re women, we don’t do that?
Can I say how much I appreciate the acknowledgment that women masturbate?
Here are some reasons why it shouldn’t be part of your Christian walk.
Point number 1. It’s a false idea that masturbation is only a man’s issue. This isn’t like remembering birthdays. Estrogen can make you horny. Both sexes deal with it. You can’t let shame and embarrassment keep you from addressing this problem. If you’re struggling, dig in your heels! Be a woman! Chocolate and ice cream won’t make this go away. Neither will chocolate ice cream, not even if it has fudge in it, or peanut butter cups. Maybe if it has chocolate swirls and caramel nuggets. So straighten your bra, and stand up to it. Be a woman!
Haha, get it? Because women love chocolate and ice cream! So, yeah. Busting one stereotype by drawing on another is always fun!
Point number 2: Masturbation is an addiction that is a vicious cycle. It goes from desire to rationalization to actually masturbating to guilt and isolation which leads to more desire and now you’re a prisoner of it.
I lived this vicious cycle as an evangelical girl. Once I learned at around age twelve that this thing I had been doing since I was seven was masturbation, I ended up in a cycle where I would want to masturbate, so I would find a way to rationalize it (after all, I never thought about sex or naked anyone while masturbating, so it couldn’t be sexual, right?), and then I would masturbate, and then I would feel guilty (because I mean, it still used my sex organs, right?), and then I would swear off masturbation, and then a couple of months later I would get really horny, and find a way to justify it again, and on and on we go.
But do you know what happens if we take guilt out? The vicious cycle disappears! After all, I masturbated regularly from age seven through age twelve with no guilt whatsoever and there was no vicious cycle. I would masturbate when I felt like it, once or twice a week at times, once or twice a month at other times, and that was it. No guilt, no obsessing over it, none of that. It just . . . was. It was a thing I did, and it made me feel good, and, well, that was it. And once I stopped believing masturbation was sin, when I was nineteen or twenty or so, the vicious cycle disappeared again. I masturbate sometimes. The end. Like seriously, that’s it.
In other words, this vicious cycle is created entirely by the belief that masturbation is sin, and is in no way inherent to masturbation at all. There’s no “addiction.” Sexual desire and sexual feelings are a natural part of life. I mean, does the fact that we have a biological need to eat mean we are addicted to eating food? We have a biological need for relationship and connection to other people as well. Is that addiction?
It’s a never ending cycle because you’re trying to fulfill your deepest desires. How will masturbating do that? *pretends to be selling something* The new and improved dildo that fulfills your deepest desires (batteries not included). It doesn’t exist! You want meaning and significance. You crave relationhisps. You need to feel alive. Masturbation undercuts all of these longings. A fantasy may heighten you for a moment, but in the end it’s empty and has no meaning. And it’s not what you really want! If you’re looking for a beautiful relationship, it doesn’t make sense to go touch yourself alone!
Um . . . hi. I’m Libby Anne. I masturbate. I’m also married. I have a beautiful relationship with loads of meaning and significance. Did I mention that I masturbate?
I’m getting really tired of this idea that masturbating is something people do in place of having a relationship. Nope. That’s not how it works. Masturbation does not prevent people from forming relationships. In fact, masturbation can be an important part of any relationship. Why? Because in any relationship, there will be times when one partner is horny and the other isn’t. Sometimes all the other needs is time to get in the mood, but that’s not always going to be the case. In my own relationship, there are plenty of times when my husband is not in the mood or not available and I’m horny, so I masturbate. And vice versa!
In fact, I can say with 100% certainty that masturbating has strengthened my relationship with my husband. Why? Because I sometimes feel bad when I turn down my husband’s suggestion that we have sex (because I’m in the middle of a project for work, or too tired, or just not in the mood), and knowing that he can masturbate takes the edge off that. And similarly, when he turns me down I don’t have to spend my time wondering if I’m not attractive enough, or if something is wrong with him (because aren’t men supposed to have crazy high sex drives?). Instead, I can just go masturbate. And no, masturbating does not replace having sex. We have as much sex as can be expected for a twenty-something couple with two young children.
Now, are there people who want to be in a relationship but aren’t who masturbate? Of course they are. But it’s not like they think that will somehow satisfy their desire for a relationship! No one is looking for “meaning and significance” in masturbation! What they’re looking for is some quick sexual pleasure and release, and you know what? Masturbation provides that.
Love happens between people, and love is not self seeking. When you masturbate, you’re using a sexual function to make yourself feel good. At it’s root, it’s selfish. If your heart is focused inwardly, how can you be deeply connected to someone in a relationship outwardly? It’s about giving, serving, and loving them well.
Okay, first of all, as I’ve already made it clear, the “if your heart is focused inwardly, how can you be deeply connected to someone in a relationship outwardly” bit is complete bullshit. I have a relationship with my husband to whom I am deeply connected, and we both masturbate. So, no.
But secondly, the idea that masturbating is selfish rests on the assumption that everything we ever do to bring ourselves pleasure is selfish. Did you eat desert yesterday? Selfish. Did you take an extra long shower because the water felt good? Selfish. Did you buy that shirt because you thought it was cute on you? Selfish. Did you paint your fingernails with that cute new nailpolish? Selfish. Did you get a cute new print to hang on the wall in your living room? Selfish. Did you spend time watching Netflix last night? Selfish.
At the end, the actor states that being connected to someone in relationship is “about giving, serving, and loving them well.” Well, yes, yes it is, but it also about receiving, being served, and being loved? Relationships are supposed to be mutual. Oh and also? Even when you’re in a relationship, you can have me-time. In fact, me-time is rather imperative, because if you expect your partner to solve all of your needs, you will be sorely disappointed.
Next this video’s unnamed female actor brings on the actor for the male masturbation video for this quick exchange:
Her: Hey, I got you a pint of your favorite chocolate peanut butter cup ice cream with fudge swirls!
Him: Oh, and caramel nuggets! Thanks Nellie, why did you do that?
Her: To fulfill your deepest desires.
Maybe you don’t say it out loud, but you get the point.
Um, actually, I’m not sure I do. Is this supposed to be an example of being connected in relationship, or an example of how sex functions in relationship? Personally I’m just a bit creeped out.
The video finishes with this:
Masturbation cultivates a depraved mindset. It’s using a sexual function to give yourself pleasure. And it’s not viewing men the way God created them. Selfishness of any kind is a hinderance in relationships. Examine your heart. Can you give it to somebody?
Can we all get over this whole selfish thing already? Yes, it is wrong (by my ethical code, at least) to focus so fully on your own needs pleasure to the extent that you harm others. But focusing on yourself is important! It’s this thing we call “self care.” If you don’t take care of yourself, you’re not going to be as effective in caring for other people. As a parent, I know this quite intimately! I need “me” time so that I can have quality “them” time. Self care is not a bad thing, it’s crucially important!
Finally, note her question about examining your heart, and whether you can “give it” to somebody, because we’re about to look at the male video and that rhetoric isn’t there at all. In fact, one reason I wanted to compare them was to get some idea of the differences between the two.
Now the video for men:
The video begins as follows:
Hey guys. I was just thinking about masturbation. You may refer to it as waxing the carrot, or petting the snake, but whatever you call it, we’re going to look at a few reasons why it shouldn’t be a part of your Christian walk.
Look how cool and hip I am! I can use euphemisms for masturbating while telling you not to masturbate! I’m totally not a prude!
Point number 1. You cannot separate masturbation and lust. If you are masturbating, you hare having lustful thoughts about a woman. There’s no way around it! What else would you be thinking about? *gestures obscenely* Oh, just another day working at the factory!
I’m not sure about guys, but when I masturbated as a girl and a teen, I had no lustful thoughts at all. That’s right. No lustful thoughts. In fact, I can still masturbate without lustful thoughts! Is that okay? Well, no, as we’ll soon see.
Jesus said that any man who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart, and then he said, if your right hand causes you to sin, you should cut it off.
Then . . . can you please explain why you still have two hands?
Also, I want to note that the video for women did not mention lust. I’m curious whether this is because my experience of having non-lustful masturbation as a teen is more common than I’d thought, or because men are assumed to be more visual. After all, the first point in the video for women was . . . that women masturbate. Here, the first point is that masturbation equals lust and lust is bad bad bad.
Point number 2. It is a selfish act. Sex is more than just a way to get pleasure. When you masturbate, you’re using a sexual function just to get pleasure. If you look at sex this way, you’re probably not going to be very good at it when you get married. What if sex is about making your wife feel good? When you masturbate, you’re only practicing making yourself feel good. If you want to be good at sex, you have to be unselfish. Instead of masturbating, take time to serve people.
We’ve been over this already, and this is definitely an area where the two videos align, but I want to take a few moments to address the point about sex being about making your spouse feel good.
First, let’s talk about how we know what we like. I’m very glad the video points out that sex should be about “making your wife feel good”! But you know what? It’s almost impossible for a woman to know what she likes if she hasn’t masturbated. The same is true, to a lesser extent, for guys. When we masturbate, we learn what gives us pleasure. When we have a partner, then, we can tell our pattern what gives us pleasure. This is especially true for women! Yes that’s right—masturbation can improve your sex life.
When I masturbated as a girl and a teen, I didn’t remove my clothes. Because I’d never really gotten intimate with myself down there, I had no idea what I wanted my husband to do or touch to give me pleasure. This frustrated him, because he wanted to bring me pleasure but was almost as new to this as I was and I couldn’t tell him what I liked. To fix this, he encouraged me to masturbate more to figure out what I like, so that he would know how to pleasure me. True story!
Next, let’s look at the idea that sex should be about giving your spouse pleasure. While it sounds nice in theory, it has some serious pitfalls. Namely, some people can’t achieve orgasm unless they focus on their own pleasure and ride the wave up, if you will. If they spend the entire sex act thinking about what their spouse wants and how to pleasure their spouse, they may not relax enough to reach climax. While I’m sure this varies from person to person and couple to couple, it took a long time for my husband to get me to lose myself into my own pleasure enough to achieve orgasm. Yes, sex should be mutual. But mutual means receiving as well as giving.
Next the unnamed actor brings on some random (male) friends to show ways men can practice serving people instead of masturbating.
Hi roommate, I just folded your laundry instead of masturbating.
Hey, I just cleaned your car instead of masturbating.
I could be masturbating right now, but I decided to volunteer at the homeless shelter instead.
Um, okay, but it really does not take me that long to masturbate.
Point number three: Masturbation becomes an idol. We put it before God’s commands to have self control and to take our thoughts captive. It’s been said that masturbation is a good way to relieve stress. Do you ever feel guilty after you masturbate? Then it’s causing you to have more stress!
Weirdly, the video for women does not have a point number three. But as I noted in my commentary on that video, masturbation only makes you feel guilty if you believe masturbating is sinful. If you don’t, there’s no guilt, and that means no added stress!
Why not turn to Jesus for all of your needs?
I was unaware that Jesus could fulfill our sexual needs.
Masturbating and praying are very different.
Yes, the hand placement is indeed very different.
If you can’t not masturbate, you don’t have power over it, and it’s an idol.
If you can’t not eat, you don’t have power of it, and it’s an idol. If you can’t not sleep, you don’t have power over it, and it’s an idol. If you can’t not use the bathroom, you don’t have power over it, and it’s an idol. Okay, yes, these are biological urges that you really and truly can’t resist (well, you could resist eating, but then you’d die). So let’s try some others. If you can’t not do your laundry, you don’t have power over it, and it’s an idol. If you can’t not wash the dishes, you don’t have power over it, and it’s an idol. If you can’t not blow your nose when you have a cold, you don’t have power over it, and it’s an idol. There’s lots of things we technically don’t have to do but we do anyway—and that does not mean they have “power” over us.
Think about it like it’s a literal idol. Like you’re bowing down to a life-sized clay replica of your penis. *outlines 3ft tall penis with his hands* I said life-sized replica! Why would we worship that? Do we realize how great God is and how tiny that is? It’s a ridiculous comparison! We are his sons, and he has made us to be holy as he is holy.
Um. Sure. Masturbating isn’t worshiping your penis, but okay.
The biggest argument in both videos seems to be that masturbation is selfish. Indeed, this is very much the argument Josh Harris made in his 2005 book, Sex Is Not the Problem (Lust Is). In that book, he argued that masturbation within marriage is wrong because sexual pleasure within marriage should always be mutual.
As someone who is married and also masturbates, I have to disagree. Sometimes it is masturbation that is unselfish.
Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In