Failure

Failure is an ugly word and it can be a difficult experience. Over 20 years ago, when I began ministry, I served as a youth minister in a congregation just outside of Boiling Springs, NC. Honestly, I should have never gone. The congregation was full of controversy. The pastor, music director, chairman of deacons, organist, and other officers had resigned in consecutive order on a Sunday morning. Having been in contact with the congregation beforehand, I was surprised to hear the news. Having just settled in the area to attend divinity school, I thought I could be helpful. This was my first mistake. They needed a youth minister with many years of experience and training. I was a rookie. They needed someone with the savvy to know the difficulties of dealing with children and youth during a time of congregational conflict. I was unprepared. I thought I could just come in and minister to the kids and the conflict would pass me by. I was totally mistaken. I served the congregation for 11 months, and it was brutal. Frankly, I failed in every way.

I was scarred by the experience. I never attempted to do youth ministry again. I believed that I was the worst youth minister ever. I assumed youth ministry was not my gift, and never tried again. It was three years before I tried my hand at any ministry again, this time as an interim pastor in my hometown. I reasoned to myself that if I failed at being an interim pastor as well, I might need to find a new line of work.

I suppose what was so scarring about the whole 11 months I was a youth minister was that I had not really failed at anything I had ever really tried to do. I was a good student, meaning I generally got the grades I wanted to get. I was a first-generation university graduate. I had accomplished everything I had ever set out to accomplish. Then, suddenly, I had 11 months of failure.

I wish I could say that I found something redeeming in failure, but I did not. That, however, was my mistake. Failure should be interpreted not internally but as a lack of skill and development. In other words, failure at a task or a job does not translate into failure as a person. The only way we fail as persons is to cease trying. The American inventor Thomas Edison is reported to have said, “I have not failed. I have just found 10,000 ways that did not work.”

Often people will avoid failure by not trying at all. They do not believe they can succeed so they simply do not try. A famous life coach calls that “failing ahead of time.” We do not believe we can get into the school of our choice so we do not apply, we do not believe that someone will find us attractive so we do not approach, we do not believe we will get the job so we never put together our resume. If we never try, we have avoided failure, I suppose. We have also avoided success. In order to succeed at anything, a risk has to be taken. “Nothing ventured, nothing gained,” said Chaucer.

Often people will avoid failure by not trying new things. They will put off applying for a new job, starting a new business venture, or writing a book because they are afraid of failing at something new. They will continue to do things that they feel comfortable doing and never risk the possibility of doing something new. Playing it safe, however, seldom makes for a good life.

In truth, what we fear in failure is the feeling of failure. The fact of failure hurts very much, but it can be reasoned through. Once past our failures, we can see what things we have done wrong or what we might do differently that can help us succeed in the future. For example, we can see how a revised technique might help us. When we internalize our failure, we believe we ourselves are failures, then the pain is often too much to bear.

This was my great mistake. I believed there was something wrong with me when I failed. I wish I had considered the possibility that the problem was not me, but that my skill set was not ready for that congregation’s particular challenges. I could have reentered ministry sooner and with more confidence if I had.

What I wish I had learned that what made me feel so terrible about failure was just a feeling. It was a feeling based on a thought that went something like, “I am only as valuable as my successes and failures. Any failure reflects terribly on me and my character. I must avoid failure at all costs.”[1]When it is spelled out it makes no sense, of course. Yet, many of us live our lives with thoughts like this underlying our emotions. When you find yourself afraid of failure or haunted by failure, look at your thoughts about failure. I bet you will find the thoughts undergirding your feelings to be toxic.

As a follower of Jesus Christ, we are reminded that neither our failures nor our successes define us. We are defined by the love of God and the grace of Jesus Christ. Failure and success are really not things we can judge. Who is to say that what we think of as success God sees as something different? Who is it to say that what we would describe as failure God sees as a success in being faithful? More importantly, our value is does not come from our external success. Our value comes from the fact that we are made in the image of God and that we are beloved by God. Never let a feeling of failure distract you from the places your value originates.

How we should approach failure is with an honest assessment and an open mind. We should be gentle with ourselves and say, “what could I do better,” “what tools do I need to make things go better next time?” If we can do that, we can approach our failures as learning opportunities. Consider the history of a great American patriot. He lost his job in 1832. Lost an election to the legislature in 1832. His business failed in 1835. He finally was elected to the legislature in 1834, but the next year his girlfriend died. He had a nervous breakdown in 1836. In 1836 he ran for speaker of the legislature and was defeated. He was defeated for nomination to Congress in 1843. In 1846 victory finally came as he was elected to congress, but he was not re-nominated in 1848. He lost an election for Land Officer in 1849. He was defeated in his run for US Senate in 1854 and 1858. He did not get the nomination for vice president in 1856. This great American was Abraham Lincoln who was elected president in 1860.

[1]I was alerted to the connection between the feeling of failure and the thought beneath it by life coach Brooke Castillo.