CEO and founder of MyPillow Mike Lindell is facing many problems. Mr. Lindell supported former President Trump vehemently during and after the election. He spread conspiracy theories regarding Dominion Voting Systems machines. NBC News reports Dominion is suing Lindell for 1.3 billion dollars.

What many consumers aren’t aware of is the mass coverup by MyPillow regarding pillow-related deaths. New documents recently came to light showing at least 586 Americans died in MyPillow related incidences last year.

MyPillow May Mean Your Death

According to leaked documents from Lindell’s own legal department, well over 500 people died from their faulty pillows. It’s important to point out the number only covers fatalities within the United States of America. As the company ships its product worldwide, there are sure to be other earth-shattering reports quantifying the pain and suffering Mr. Lindell caused.

Andrew Canard Esq. is the Senior Partner at Dewy, Cheatem, and Howe. After looking at the documents, he believes Lindell’s pillow empire is about to crumble. “There aren’t just fatalities. Those who weren’t killed were left with life-altering injuries,” he said. “This company paid a lot of people to keep quiet.”

Although the total amount is still unknown, MyPillow paid out hundreds of millions in damages to the families of those killed and maimed. “Mike Lindell gave out a lot of Arby’s gift cards to people who suffered minor injuries. Who does that? You might have to drive a long way to get your meaty sandwich,” Canard said.

How MyPillows Killed

There wasn’t just one way the faulty merchandise destroyed lives. Many problems occurred in the manufacturing process.

Here is a breakdown regarding causes of death:

• 286 died from rabid raccoon attacks. No one officially knows how the animals got into the pillowcases.
• 200 perished from spontaneously exploding pillows.
• 100 met their maker due to purchasers deliberately taking off the “Do Not Take This Tag Off” tag. Documents show Lindell planted boobie traps to punish the rule-breakers.

“There is a clear pattern of irresponsible behavior by Mr. Lindell’s part in all of this,” Canard said. “And to make things worse, the man is a fascist.”

In related news, a leading creationist scientist finds that fossils literally fell out of the sky.

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