When Nothing Makes Sense

Lots of tears last therapy session.

Ugly crying, in fact.

“I just don’t get it”.

“Nothing makes sense”.

“Why can’t someone just make it make sense for me?.

I left the appointment in tears.

Without a concrete answer.

The question?

Who am I supposed to follow now?

I’ve been taught my whole life to follow.

Someone.

Anyone.

The leader.

The elder.

The pastor.

The podcaster.

I mean, yes, follow Jesus.

Of course, follow him.

But someone has to tell me how to follow him.

Because, God knows, I can’t trust myself.

Nothing to trust here.

Nothing good in me.

Wisdom comes from above.

Look up, Karen.

But, not up to the Heavens.

Just up to the leader who is above you.

Follow the leader, wherever he may go.

Eyes on who?

Jesus?

Which Jesus?

The one we tell you about.

We’ll tell you.

Just trust us.

God wants you to trust us.

Submit.

Submit to your leader.

Ok.

Well then, I better find a leader that I like.

You, over there, you can lead me.

You’re cool.

Just tell me what to do.

Sell everything?

Go to the nations?

Give you my money?

Go to the counselor that you tell me to go to?

Read only the books you say I can read?

Ok.

But, wait…

I’m confused.

You aren’t going to the nations.

Or inviting the homeless to live with you.

Your house is getting bigger.

Please, tell me how this works.

Maybe I just need to find a different leader?

God knows, I can’t trust myself.

Nothing good in me.

There has to be someone better to tell me what to do.

Oh, Ok.

You, over there.

You seem nice.

I see Jesus in you.

Will you just tell me what to do?

How to live.

Where to spend my time, talent, and treasure.

I will follow you.

You will?

Let’s do this.

Wait…

Wait a dang minute.

You aren’t perfect either?

You, in fact, aren’t God?

Well then, now what?

God knows I can’t trust myself.

Nothing good in me.

I will go to my counselor.

Tell me, counselor.

Tell me what to do now.

I’m tired.

I’m dizzy.

I’m confused and scared.

Wait?

You say I’m in a good place?

I’m actually growing?

These are actually growing pains?

At age 52?

I’m actually learning to trust.

Just not in man.

Not in man-made systems.

Not in man-made rules.

Nope.

I’m not giving up.

Not giving in.

I’m actually going deeper.

Inside.

Looking to Jesus.

The one who lives in me.

Christ in me.

There’s where the hope is.

Keeping my eyes on Jesus.

Not on a man.

But, on the one who saves my soul.

The one who calls me to rest.

The author and perfecter of my faith.

The one who leads my by still waters.

How about if I walk with him awhile?

Learn from him.

Love from him.

Rest in him.

Wait.

What if my leaders get mad?

Rest, Karen.

What if they shun me?

Rest.

What if they talk about me?

Stay right here.

Rest. 

There is rest here.

Soul rest.

Rest for your soul.

It’s time to rest.

Karen R Shock resides in Fort Wayne, IN with her husband and their youngest son. She had three more children who are married and four beautiful grandchildren. Oh, and a dog name JT Barrett (Go Bucks). She is a retired homeschool mom and is now a high school teacher and cheer coach. Life is hard, but fun. Learning to lean into the mess, find rest in today, and maybe even make some new friends along the way.