Karen Ruth Shock
How did I do it?
How did we do it?
Just sat there.
Week after week.
Conference after conference.
Rally after rally.
Taking notes.
Falling asleep.
Drinking coffee to stay awake.
Hearing what our itching ears wanted to hear.
I was I head shaker.
A front row sitting head shaker.
You know the kind?
Every speaker loves us head shakers.
We are the ones who keep them going.
No matter the subject.
Laugh.
Cry.
Agree.
Make sure speaker sees I am agreeing.
Take notes.
Notes, notes and more notes.
Hope they give it to me straight.
C’mon.
I can take it.
Be mean.
Cuss if you have to.
Break me.
Say the thing that will hurt.
Hurt so good.
Beat me up.
In the best way possible.
Yep.
Break me.
Oh, and break my husband too.
He needs it as well.
We both do.
A swift kick in the pants.
Tell us we are depraved.
We deserve Hell.
Remind us how bad we really are.
I promise I will shake my head when you do.
Nod along.
Yep.
That’s me.
Loser city.
Bring it on.
Why????
Well, because I need it.
Hopefully it will help me change.
Be holy.
Finally.
Worthy of my calling to be a Christian.
The radical, sold out, on fire kind.
Yes.
Light a fire in my soul.
Help make me whole.
I want to walk out of here a new person.
Slap the sin right out of me.
Not really.
Just with your words.
Tell me how I need to go to the nations.
Sell everything.
Give more money.
More of my time.
If I could only do more.
Memorize more scripture.
Sing louder.
Kneel down lower.
Face on the ground.
Please… see me.
Please… someone.
Anyone.
Look over here and see me.
I mean it this time.
I believe it this time.
More than ever.
I’m lifting my hands higher than ever.
Do you see me?
Can you hear me?
Speaker on the stage.
Do you see me?
What about you, God?
No for real, do you see me?
I know there are so many people here.
But please pick me.
Let me be the one.
To live for your Glory.
Finally.
Me.
Little Karen.
Living up to what you expect from me.
What everyone expects from me.
What I stinking expect from me.
Does anyone see me?
Oh shoot.
No.
No, Lord.
Forgive me.
I don’t want anyone to see me.
Forgive me for wanting anyone to see me.
Dangit.
I’m blowing it.
Right now.
In this holy moment.
I’m blowing it.
Please speaker, help me.
Be better.
Do better.
Live better.
Take away my anxiety.
Rid me of my depression.
Someone lay your hands on my brain.
On my heart.
Purify me.
Heal me.
Take the fear away.
Because it is still there.
After all this time.
All these events.
All this praying and begging?
I’m still me.
Turns out?
The beating me up part?
Isn’t working.
The telling me what a sinner I am?
And watching me grovel?
Not working.
Oh wait.
Wait a second.
This isn’t you, God.
These words aren’t gospel.
They sure don’t sound like “good news”.
But everyone keeps telling me I have to believe them.
Trust them.
Write down what they say.
The ones that are “anointed”.
They speak oracles of scripture.
Not even sure what an oracle is.
Just sounds spiritual.
Oh, Jesus.
It is for freedom that you have set me free.
You are the one who created me.
You see me.
You love me.
You didn’t come to condemn me.
You came to save me.
Save me from what though?
Because I don’t feel very saved.
Oh, wait.
You came to save me from all of this.
All this trying.
All this worrying.
All this striving.
No need to keep coming back to this.
No need to beg.
You are enough.
If I never go to another service, or conference, or meeting.
You, Oh God, are enough.
That’s the Good News.
You love me.
You live in me.
You live in each one of us.
And not a single one of us needs to be beat up to see this.
The change comes when know we are loved.
How much you love us.
When you said “It is finished”?
It was.
It is.
You are here.
I can walk in this.
In you.
Trusting you.
Actually?
Trusting you in me.
Thank you, God.
In a world where people are striving.
I can rest.
Knowing you?
Means knowing rest.
Deep breath.
Rest, Karen.
Rest.
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