The Weight of It All

The problem with my weight has never actually my weight.

It’s how I’ve perceived my weight.

It’s how I’ve looked at my body.

It’s what I’ve see when I glance in the mirror.

Immediate yuk.

All the flaws.

The thoughts just flood in.

The judgment is harsh.

And my mood tanks.

I’ve learned recently that there are lots of people who won’t even look in the mirror.

I do look.

And I judge.

Ugh.

But, can I tell you something?

It’s getting a whole lot better.

You see, over the past couple of years I have put on some pounds.

Around 20 of them.

Remember back when I talked about Keto and fasting?

I had lost weight.

Everyone told me how great I looked.

I kind of even told myself how great I looked.

It was easy to think the thinness would make me happy.

It sort of did.

But, my anxiety and depression was off the charts.

I actually wasn’t so healthy.

My BMI was great.

My cholesterol went down.

But, every time I stood up?

I felt like I was going to pass out.

What is wrong with me?

Do I have a brain tumor?

Am I having a stroke?

Is it my heart?

Something I wrong.

And I just knew I was dying.

I never put two and two together, though.

Turns out my brain wasn’t doing so hot.

It needed food.

Carbs to be exact.

Oh, and some fat.

I just wasn’t consuming enough of anything.

I liked the way I looked.

And I didn’t want to lose my confidence.

Gaining weight?

Not an option.

Until it had to be.

My blood counts were off.

I was told to stop the diet stuff.

Deep breath.

You mean, I have to choose?

Yep.

You can still eat healthy but you need to eat.

Feed your dang body.

She is starving.

So I began to feed her.

I indulged at first.

My little body wasn’t sure what was going on.

It was kinda fun.

And then it started to catch up.

The weight began to stick.

My pants started shrinking.

And I began to worry.

If I don’t control this more?

Where am I gonna end up?

But, you know what else was happening at the same time?

The fog was lifting.

My hair was growing.

My cycle normalized.

And I was just plain happier.

Oh, and the dizziness was gone.

All.The.Things.

All the things that matter, that is.

Turns out my brain likes food.

My experiment with being skinny had failed.

And I am grateful.

You know, my mom and dad weren’t skinny.

They enjoyed life.

They ate good food with good friends.

Mom cooked the best meals with a whole lot of butter.

She ate cookies for breakfast.

Captain Crunch Cereal, with honey on top.

Candy was her best friend.

And she lived to be 89.

I’m ready to give up the fantasy of being some kind of model at age 52.

No time for that I’m afraid.

I want to feel good.

Listen to my body.

Eat ice cream with my hubby.

And pizza (crust and all).

I realize I still need to stretch, walk, and lift some weights.

Adding veggies and fruit to my meals.

Most importantly though?

I will look in the mirror in the morning and give myself a high five.

Look myself in the eye and say “We’ve got this”.

And move on.

Stop judging myself so harshly.

Focus on others.

Lean in to life.

Trusting in Jesus all the while.

Resting in the body he gave me.

No more scales.

Whatever it takes.

Living, loving, and growing.

Even if it requires new clothes? 

That last sentence made me smile.

Smiling is my favorite.

Stop typing, Karen.

It’s time to eat some lunch.

Karen R Shock resides in Fort Wayne, IN with her husband and their youngest son. She had three more children who are married and four beautiful grandchildren. Oh, and a dog name JT Barrett (Go Bucks). She is a retired homeschool mom and is now a high school teacher and cheer coach. Life is hard, but fun.