Was There A Demon Inside of Me?

Do you know what it’s like to be told your anxiety is a demon?

I do.

No, for real.

The demon of fear was inside of me.

And apparently this demon could be prayed out.

Exorcised.

In some strange way I believed it.

Maybe it was because I wanted the anxiety gone.

I didn’t want to go the long route.

Just cast the dang thing out of me.

It will be easier than years of therapy.

So there I was.

On my knees.

People laying hands on me.

Asking him/her to leave me.

Him/her didn’t leave.

This happened to me on more than one occasion.

I was also told the anxiety and fear that had a grip on me was a sin.

No joke, someone told me I was flipping God off by not trusting him.

Can you see how this could send me spiraling?

Fear built upon fear, which built upon more fear.

I was taught at one point to pray through every bad movie I had seen or song that I had listened to.

Asking God to forgive me for knowing who Michael, Jason and Freddy were.

And being afraid that, because I had seen their movies, I had opened some kind of portal that satan could come through.

Why wouldn’t God just heal me of all of this anxiety?

Maybe it was the ouija board we played with when we were in high school?

How about all the trick or treating I did as a child?

Or maybe the fact that I let my own kids trick or treat?

You have to know though, they always dressed up in nice costumes… football players and ballerinas. 

No witches or goblins.

That was forbidden.

But I did let them go out into the night on Halloween.

Maybe that was the portal?

So they prayed over me.

Strangers.

People who really thought if they just prayed hard enough.

If they recited enough verses.

The right verses.

I would be free.

The demon would flee.

And the more we all focused on it?

The bigger the monster became.

The more I tried to figure it out?

The more scared and insecure I was.

Fear trying to drive out fear.

Anxiety about being anxious.

And round and round I went.

Feeling like a bit of a freak.

And a big failure.

Fear was driving my life.

Fear was leading me to repent.

Fear stacked upon fear.

I memorized all the verses about anxiety.

I said them all the time.

I begged the god I was scared of to deliver me from being scared.

It never worked.

Because it doesn’t work.

Fear doesn’t drive out fear.

Perfect love drives out fear.

Fear doesn’t lead us to repentance.

God’s kindness does.

When I stopped worrying about being possessed by a demon?

That’s when I stopped feeling like I was actually possessed by a demon.

Does that make sense?

Mom would always tell me to “accentuate the positive”.

I would roll my eyes.

And go on my way… accentuating all of the negative.

Shining a huge spotlight on my fears.

I’m shaking my head as I type.

I know better now.

My eyes should be focused on Jesus.

Ruminating on his love for us.

Leaning into his kindness and mercy.

He knows me.

He loves me.

He created me like this.

I was born this way.

A deep thinker.

With a pretty terrific imagination…

That, when used in a good way, can help make the world a better place.

But, spending all my days and nights imagining there is something very wrong with me?

Declaring it must be some kind of demon?

Believing there is no good in me?

All of this… leads to anxiety and depression.

And round and round we go.

It’s time.

Time to get off the damn merry go round of guilt and shame.

Time to stop leaning on my own understanding.

God’s love is way deeper and wider and higher than we can comprehend.

There is nowhere any of us can ever go to escape God.

The mercy and kindness and unending love just leads us and follows us every where we go.

This God is in all and through all.

Why do I fear?

Why am I downcast?

My hope is the Lord.

God has me.

God has you.

We are safe.

We are held.

We are loved.

Karen R Shock resides in Fort Wayne, IN with her husband and their youngest son. She had three more children who are married and four beautiful grandchildren. Oh, and a dog name JT Barrett (Go Bucks). She is a retired homeschool mom and is now a high school teacher and cheer coach. Life is hard, but fun.