In the recent post on religious experiences I said “I’m not allowed to go too far. I’m required to keep one foot firmly in this world, so I can speak reasonably of things our materialist mainstream society considers unreasonable.”
I’m not sure if I was chosen for this “one foot in both worlds” arrangement or if that’s just part of who and what I am. If I had to guess, I’d say it’s a little of both. Honestly, I like it this way. The “ordinary” world is anything but ordinary, and I want to enjoy as much of this life in this world as I can. I never want to be the Pagan equivalent of the people my Baptist father complained were “so heavenly minded they’re no earthly good.”
One of my religious affiliations – and really, one of my religious identities – is Unitarian Universalism. UUism isn’t explicitly humanist, but it leans that way. Its core mission is to build a better world here and now, and not get caught up in what – if anything – comes after this life.
And also, I’ve seen people get lost in magic and mysticism to the point they were no longer able to navigate this world. That’s one thing if you’re a Catholic who can go off to a monastery where people will make sure you have the necessities of life. It’s quite another if you’re a Pagan with only the support you can get from your family and friends – most of whom don’t understand what you’re doing and why.
So I’m happy with this arrangement, this calling.
Except…
Sometimes the problem isn’t that I go too far, it’s that I don’t go far enough.
Sometimes I have both feet planted so firmly in this world I forget there’s another world.
Sometimes it’s been so long since I felt the intimate presence of a deity I have to work to remember what it’s like.
Sometimes like now.
What we used to do
Last week I checked up on a couple of friends (more like acquaintances at this point) who used to do a lot of deep magical, spiritual, and religious work, and who shared much of what they did. But that was a long time ago. Now their social media feeds are nothing but politics and ordinary life – not even a mention of the deep spirituality that used to be so important to them.
[If you think I’m talking about you, I’m not. Unless I am, in which case I’m not talking only about you.]
This isn’t a criticism of them. Maybe they’re doing all kinds of deep work and they’re just not sharing it anymore – that’s certainly their right. Maybe they got burned out and need some time away. Maybe they had this-world complications that demanded their attention. I sometimes say “it’s hard to be spiritual when your roof is leaking” – another thing I experienced first-hand earlier this year.
Or maybe their calling was a short-term thing and they were never meant to be a mystic for their entire lives. They did what they were supposed to do and now they’ve moved on to something else.
Whatever their reasons, this post isn’t about them. It’s certainly not meant to be critical of them.
But seeing them made me realize I’m missing something in my life.
The Gods have their own priorities
I’m not throwing rocks at other people. I’m not throwing rocks at myself either. I’ve made no attempt to hide the fact that the last year or so has been very challenging for me. I’m better, but I’m not well. Plus healing is not linear – I have good days and bad days. There’s a reason the Four of Swords keeps coming up in my Tarot readings.
And also, the Gods are autonomous persons who do their own things for their own reasons in their own time. Since the beginning of the pandemic many of us have heard the same message: “we’re busy right now.” Some of that is them cutting us some slack at a time when we’re overwhelmed with this-world concerns. Some of it is the Great War in the Otherworld and in this world. Some of it is unclear – the Morrigan isn’t the only deity whose virtues do not include transparency.
What’s important for us – for me – is that experiencing a God first-hand requires their cooperation. If they have more important things to do – or if they think such an experience won’t advance their values and virtues – then they aren’t going to show up. Plus they don’t always need big dramatic experiences to get our attention – the longer we practice and worship and work, the better we’re able to hear more subtle communication.
The point is that my recent lack of deep spiritual experiences isn’t anyone’s fault.
But I still miss them.
Daily spiritual practice alone isn’t enough for me
Daily spiritual practice is the foundation of my religious, spiritual, and magical life. There is no substitute for regular prayers, meditation, and offerings. There is no substitute for observing the full and dark moons, and for celebrating the holy days on the Wheel of the Year, or whatever liturgical calendar you follow.
Daily spiritual practice is necessary, but at least for me, it’s not enough.
Daily spiritual practice is a good healthy balanced meal. Deep experience is a feast.
Daily spiritual practice is a nice walk around the neighborhood (and for some of us, a nice walk around the neighborhood is part of our spiritual practice). Deep experience is running a marathon or hiking up a mountain.
Not everybody needs to run a marathon. But I did and I’m glad I did, even though I got injured and now I can’t run anymore.
Not everybody needs deep ecstatic experiences. But I do.
They feed my soul. They remind my skeptical inner child that the universe is a lot more than what can be categorized and measured and placed into neat little boxes.
When the difficulties of mundane life get to be too much, they remind me that there’s more.
That in turn energizes me to keep working to make the mundane world a better place.
They help satisfy my seemingly-infinite curiosity about the world and how it works. If something is out there, I want to see and hear and touch it for myself.
And sometimes, the magic just works and a very necessary goal is achieved through non-ordinary means.
The paradox of healing and recovery
There is often a chicken-or-egg paradox when it comes to healing and recovery. There are things you know would make your life better. But doing them requires time and energy that you don’t have. If you try to “power through” by force of will, you may make things worse and not better. But if you don’t do them, your healing will be delayed. The life’s work you’re not doing because you can’t do it now will be delayed.
At some point, you have to take inventory and say “I think I’m ready for this.”
I think I’m ready for this.
A plan for deeper experience
“That’s a nice thousand word preamble, John – now what are you actually going to do?”
I’m going to start small – with things that don’t require a lot of energy.
I’m going to start with meditation. Listening is part of my daily and weekly practice, but I need to do some deeper meditation, using statues and candles as focus points for concentrating on a deity and listening for their presence.
Lughnasadh is coming up – meditating on Lugh is a good place to start. Cernunnos is always first in my life, the Morrigan is still very active despite recent quiet periods, and then we’ll see where to go next.
Maybe these meditations will turn into full-on ecstatic communion. Probably they’ll be more subtle. But the main thing I need is deep connection.
I’ve been doing a lot more Tarot readings lately. I think it’s time to do some Tarot meditations.
The next full moon is this Saturday night / Sunday morning. I’ve been mostly successful at maintaining my monthly full moon magic, but I think it’s time for something bigger. Not sure exactly what that is. Which means I need to do the Tarot meditations now and see what that tells me.
This is a start. I’m pretty sure I have the energy to do this.
After that?
We’ll see what things look like when I get there.
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