When someone hurts us, the most complete expression of mercy has at least two moving parts – telling hard truths and extending forgiveness. By ‘telling hard truths’, I don’t mean aggression or attack; I mean letting people know the impact of their actions, even if doing so is painful for all involved. Naturally, this can only work when all parties are willing, but if possible, experience has taught me that this is the most direct way to heal fractured relationships.
Freedom from past pain is not easily acquired. It requires courage, the choice to change our outlook, and a whole bucketload of grace, but it is possible if all involved are on board. In particular, having difficult conversations can transform family relationships, where old pain can linger in the depths of people’s hearts, unaddressed and unresolved.
Avoiding the assumption of motive
One of the keys to successfully communicating the impact of someone’s behaviour is to recognise we don’t know the ‘why’ behind the action. Truthfully, we should never assume someone else’s motivation, because it is outside our remit as human beings. 1 Corinthians 4:5,
‘Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart. At that time each will receive their praise from God.’
It is not for us to assume other people’s motivations – only the Lord understands us on that level, and exposing our hearts and the forces that drive us is God’s province alone. When final judgement comes, everything that can be exposed will be exposed, by God, in love, for the purpose of reconciliation and healing, but until that time we are simply unable to know what happens in another person’s heart. If we make assumptions on this level, we inflame our emotions and magnify the problem.
For example, if my wife communicates curtly with me, which she does from time to time, I can become unnecessarily upset. The truth of the matter is that I can only have an emotional reaction after assuming her motivation – that she’s being deliberately mean or inconsiderate, when she could simply be stressed, or distracted, or having a really bad day. If I bear that in mind, abstaining from the assumption of motive, all negative emotion is drained from the moment. If I assume her motivation and become angry, it can sour our relationship and lead to conflict that is entirely unnecessary.
When we approach someone to explain the impact of their behaviour, we can bypass the assumption of motive altogether and simply explain how their actions or words have affected us, focussing on our own feelings rather than their intentions. After doing so, it’s essential to remain open to the responses that come, as they will help us understand what was going on from the other person’s perspective, at which point we can build bridges of compassion and understanding.
It’s tempting to avoid painful conversations
It’s easier to sweep difficult subjects under the carpet than to deal with them, especially where family is concerned, but if we keep our hurts buried, we incubate that pain, brewing up a batch of resentment that only becomes more toxic over time.
I was brought up in a middle-class, English family which reflected the prevailing cultural tendency to avoid conflict. Hurts and harms went largely unaddressed, and I left home as an 18-year-old with a burden of unresolved issues that greatly hindered my personal development. That pain would be stirred up every couple of years as if on cue – a careless word here, an assumption made there that sent me into a spin, often for a week or longer. I would deal with that pain on my own, keeping my cards close to my chest, but every now and then it would spill over and cause further conflict, which in turn made me feel evermore on the outside of the family, looking in.
In my late thirties, things came to a head in a way I couldn’t ignore. The unaddressed pain was so torturous I decided, with much trepidation, that it was time to address things head on. I won’t go into the details of the conversation I initiated, other than to say that all parties were willing and, painful though it was, we scoured out all the rot, which gave us a real chance to reconcile. Nothing’s ever perfect, but I’m happy to report that a decade or so on, we have never slid back into hidden pain and unaddressed conflict. The peace we established has been maintained, and from my point of view, the toxic brew of pain I used to carry has gone. It’s tempting to avoid difficult conversations, but the courageous individual who is committed to loving both themselves and other people will choose the better path.
The importance of keeping short accounts
The Bible encourages us to keep short accounts with each other to allow our relationships to flourish. Resentment, bitterness, and judgement are not fitting qualities for a follower of Jesus – we are called to surrender that right. These behaviours stem from ascribing motive and entering into judgement as a result. They lead to in-groups and out-groups, factions, and envy – behaviours Paul warns against in the starkest terms. Galatians 5: 19-21,
‘The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.’
According to this passage, dissensions, factions, and envy are as harmful as orgies and fits of rage, and I think we are far too casual about these common expressions of judgement. Jesus also urged his followers to keep short accounts with each other. Matthew 5:23-24,
“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.”
Reconciliation is more important than any act of religious observance because the heart of the Christian faith is to follow the example of Jesus, which means to walk in love – treating each other mercifully and with kindness.
My intuition is this: love invites us to address the spaces between us, the differences that keep us apart. Instead of filling those spaces with judgements and assumptions, we can pour in mercy, and mercy often starts with a difficult conversation. It involves bravely sharing our feelings, and in mutual vulnerability, finding the strength to forgive.
Love doesn’t sweep strife under the carpet; it shines a light. It exposes and brings healing through reconciliation. I encourage readers for whom this resonates to initiate that difficult conversation, apologise for their part in any upset, explain how it affected them, enquire about the other’s intentions, extend forgiveness always and to all, and give God room to heal.
Important note: There are relationships that are not ready for this approach to reconciliation, and in particular, those in which the other person or people are not willing to hear us out. In that case, it is better to forgive from a distance. Discernment is key to knowing when and with whom we can seek reconciliation, and I trust that the Holy Spirit will draw the attention of readers to those who will respond with maturity.
Lord, help us see your kingdom come in our relationships, through honesty, humility, mercy, and reconciliation. Help us establish healthy communication as a structural part of our connections, and to avoid assuming the motives of others, no matter how close we are to them. Help us keep short accounts and live in peace and unity, because that is where your blessings abound!
Psalm 133:
‘How good and pleasant it is
when God’s people live together in unity…
For there the Lord bestows his blessing,
even life for evermore.’
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