Lean Hard Into That Rudder

I’ve always found James’ teaching on taming the tongue exciting and bewildering in equal measure. His claim is extraordinary – that by controlling our tongues we can master our bodies and take charge of the direction of our entire lives. On the one hand this is empowering, but on the other I’ve never been able to understand the mechanics he’s implying, until now. First, the passage. James 3: 2-8,

‘Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check.

When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.

All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.’

I want to share the understanding I’ve gained, but first, it’s worth pointing out how this passage can be abused. Within the Faith Movement, for example, there is pressure to mask your pain and suffering. I attended a Bible School in that movement where there was only one acceptable answer to the question ‘How are you?’, and that was:

“I’m blessed!”

I remember being in a room full of vulnerable people and misfits, all proudly announcing that they were blessed while psychologically and relationally coming apart at the seams. The theory on offer was that if you leant hard into that rudder, speaking out only positive affirmations, you would steer your life in that direction. In other words, what you say will come to pass. The dysfunctional and damaging nature of that sort of interaction is exactly as you might imagine it to be. This has nothing to do with faith and is devoid of compassion. I’ve even heard a person insist on saying ‘I’m blessed’ after losing a loved one.

This bizarre and forced behaviour is a clear misapplication of James’ teaching. Remember, James also taught ‘let your yes be yes and your no be no’ – i.e., be honest. So when considering how to apply James’ words, we’re dealing with honest speech.

Now to something more edifying:

My darling Chanel and I have been together for 6 years. I love her in ways I never knew was possible, and am always grateful for the blessing she is in my life, but like any couple we’ve had to work at things, and especially at how we communicate.
One of the biggest differences between us is how we use words. I’m a wordsmith, and express myself primarily through well-crafted sentences. Chanel is more tactile, and her use of words is functional, and often random. She’ll pick a word that sounds like it means what she wants it to mean and insert it into a sentence.

I used to trip up over this. Despite all the goodness in our relationship, I’d feel a little catch inside me when she used the wrong words, which awoke doubts about how good a match we were. I’m embarrassed to expose this aspect of my behaviour on a public forum, but it serves a purpose.

Chanel didn’t help the situation, because she wanted to learn and would frequently ask me to correct her if she said something wrong. Doing so made me feel distant from her, like I was her examiner rather than her partner, and I reached a point where I felt we were drifting apart as a result. Doubts about our relationship grew in my mind, magnified by the focus on her words. I made up my mind – no more correcting Chanel, even if she asks me to.

To start with it was hard. Changing any kind of habit is a challenge because the mind wants to go there as a matter of course. I found myself biting my tongue, resisting the words which wanted to come out. To start with it was tough – really hard, daily discipline I had to force on myself.

I persisted, weakening that unwanted impulse until one day it was gone. I’d say it took between 1 and 2 years to banish completely, but boy was I pleased with the result. I no longer even notice the words Chanel chooses; I just feel what she means. It’s a mystical bond now, so natural and organic it surpasses what I knew of communication before.

When we step away from what we think we need and accept a person for who they are, all manner of unexpected intimacies can blossom in the space you’ve created. Chanel is my best friend and dearest companion. When she comes through the door exhausted at the end of a long day running her business, we take sweet, playful refuge in each other. I get excited when I hear her car pull up, and doubly so if we’re going on a date or having an adventure. In summary, things are good. Really, really good!

When I think back to how distant we felt before I put in the work on the communication front, it’s night and day. Something as small as a bad verbal habit was keeping us apart, and something as simple as putting a stop to it opened up light and space for us to enjoy.

It was only yesterday, when dwelling on this, that I realised I had been putting James 3 into practice. The tongue can be a restless evil; it can be the spark that sets a whole forest on fire; it’s the rudder which steers the ship. The way forward for me was to lean hard into the rudder, without stinting, and it could be the way forward for you.

Ask any marriage counsellor and they will tell you that most relationship difficulties stem from communication – not even necessarily what is said, but how it is said; different ways of giving and receiving love, whether or not we interrupt the other person, and leave room for them to speak. Do we really listen, and take what our loved one says seriously?

Speech reveals a host of bad habits and attitudes, and is often the focus and fulcrum of confrontation. The tongue can truly be a restless evil. On the other hand, speech can be considerate, caring, even-handed, and kind. It can bind wounds rather than inflict them.

Whatever conflicts you and your loved one are going through, or you and your family are experiencing, whatever fallouts happen between friends, I pray you will identify where things are going wrong and lean hard into that rudder without stinting. When you alter the angle of a rudder, the ship does not immediately respond. It takes time to turn, but turn it will. In taming the tongue, it’s important to commit to the long haul. This is not a quick fix. It’s true discipleship.