Superior Parenting

So I saw the article Why Chinese Mothers are Superior on Saturday and I’ve been meaning to blog about it, but, as usual, our family is very busy.  The article is now making the rounds on facebook, and I think it impacted a lot of people similarly to me–I was appalled, intrigued, and inspired, all at the same time.  If you haven’t read the article, please do, but here are my thoughts.

It was immediately obvious to me that Ms. Chua’s parenting philosophy is a fantastic blueprint for creating a very technically advanced child.  As a technician, mastery of a confined set of specialized skills is the highest goal, taking precedence over other more vague and general skill sets such as leadership and creativity.  A child will learn the most impressive piano techniques and the most advanced mathematical models, but when it comes to free play time, artistic creativity, problem solving, or leadership skills, that child will have very limited experience.

If you look at her parenting philosophy from a wider cultural perspective, it is no wonder that the United States is the most innovative country in the world.  Innovation takes knowledge, discipline, and creativity.  It is the perfect balance and mixture of these three things that creates a well-rounded individual, and ultimately a quality education.  Technical skill and discipline, the only elements stressed by Ms. Chua, are just two pieces of the puzzle.

Ms. Chua is correct with many of her criticisms towards Western Mothers and their discipline techniques.  In addition to her own social experiences she mentions in the article, if she has spent any time reading the western modern touchy-feely parenting books, there is no doubt she has plenty to critique.  No schedules, child-led households, constant worries about attachment and self-esteem.  So much of modern parenting is silly, despite good intentions.  Her honesty is refreshing.

On a personal level, I was struck by the long number of hours she expects her daughters to practice their music.  I only expect my almost 7 year old daughter to practice her piano for 20 minutes as opposed to the 3-4 hours she expects from her daughters.  After reading her piece, I realized that Gianna could easily practice for at least a 1/2 hour, and we would work toward 45 minutes in the future.  Mastery of anything takes practice, and it is generally true that a child will enjoy the activity more once they feel they are making progress.  I have already seen Gianna want to play the piano more in her free time, and that is truly a wonderful thing.

Many of you read Ms. Chua’s article and were, no doubt, left worrying about the self image of her daughters, but I’m not sure that’s really the true problem with her parenting style.  I knew many Eastern families in my youth, and the children were all at the top of our class, and very skilled musicians.  I’m sure their parents were similar to Ms. Chua.  As far as I can tell, as grown adults, these children do not have self esteem issues, nor do they have a negative relationship with their parents.  If I had to guess, I’d bet that many of them will parent their children in a similar manner.  I realize that Mrs. Chua said some very harsh things to her children when they “failed.”  But she spent far more time telling them, through both language and actions, that they were worth all her time and trouble, and that ultimately they could succeed if they only worked hard enough.  The sky was the limit, and she showed that through her parenting.

The real problem with her philosophy is twofold.  First and most importantly, her end goal is worldly perfection and success.  As Christian parents, our end goal in parenting should be forming our children to love and serve God in this world, and preparing them to spend an eternity with Him in the next.  Virtue is key here, and teaching a child to work hard and live a disciplined life is a very important part of achieving our end goal.  But even a child who works hard will not always be the “best” at a given activity, no matter how hard they practice.  Ms. Chua’s approach is very results driven, focusing less on the virtue of hard work and practice, and more on the end result (Did you get an A?  Are you number 1 in your class?).  Working hard is a virtue well worth practicing with our children, but it is a mistake to focus so strongly on the end result.

Second, even from a worldly perspective, her approach fails to give her children the very important and necessary skills of creativity, problem solving, and leadership.   As I said earlier, her philosophy seems ideal for creating technicians, but people are more than technicians.  We are called to live in the image of God, and that means we are called to create.  Our grandparents generation knew that plenty of outside time and plenty of unstructured free play time with other children would foster an environment where children would naturally develop leadership and problem solving skills.  It seems our generation has to learn this through studies and excellent articles like this recent NY Times piece (h/t to MaryAlice).

For several years, studies and statistics have been mounting that suggest the culture of play in the United States is vanishing…Too little playtime may seem to rank far down on the list of society’s worries, but the scientists, psychologists, educators and others who are part of the play movement say that most of the social and intellectual skills one needs to succeed in life and work are first developed through childhood play. Children learn to control their impulses through games like Simon Says, play advocates believe, and they learn to solve problems, negotiate, think creatively and work as a team when they dig together in a sandbox or build a fort with sofa cushions. (The experts define play as a game or activity initiated and directed by children. So video games don’t count, they say, except perhaps ones that involve creating something, and neither, really, do the many educational toys that do things like sing the A B C’s with the push of a button.)

And it is the balance of plenty of outdoor time, plenty of unstructured free play, and then time for disciplined learning and mastery of skills that will create a well-rounded and talented individual primed to serve God with their future.  We don’t want to crush the unique spirits of our children, but rather, lovingly foster a healthy individualism that allows our sons and daughters to serve others with their gifts.

(h/t to Kristen at Small Treasures and Suzanne at Blessed Among Men.  Our exchange on Facebook inspired me to write this post.)