Canadians are known for being polite and apologetic. But “I’m sorry, eh?” is more than a trope. It’s an expression of reconciliation.
When I moved to Canada, I found that it’s not just a stereotype that Canadians are friendly and quick to apologize. The first day I visited the country, I went to Walmart and heard, “Sorry,” at least ten times. The world can learn something from Canadians about how to apologize.
When to Apologize
If you’re like me, you learned to apologize when you say or do something hurtful. There are many variations on this. Some believe they should ask forgiveness only when they’ve done something intentionally unkind. I used to be one of these. But I learned that I can do loads of damage without meaning to. So, I expanded my repertoire to include those inadvertent things that may cause people harm.
I Beg Your Pardon
Others beg pardon for their very existence. Most likely because when they were young, they had a stern authority figure who made them feel guilty about everything they did. While apologizing for harm you’ve done can be healthy, too much apologizing can indicate poor self-esteem. People shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells, begging pardon for breathing.
I’m Sorry You’re Offended
Others resist apologizing altogether. Nothing they do is wrong. They may say something conciliatory like, “I’m sorry you’re offended,” but that’s not a sincere apology. It has all the form but none of the substance. It sounds condescending and pacifying, and only makes peace with someone who’s not really listening.
What Makes for a Good Apology?
So, what makes for a good apology? I saw a sign that said, “Proper apologies have three parts. 1. What I did was wrong. 2. I feel badly that I hurt you. 3. How can I make this better.” I might add that a good apology also promises to try not to make the same mistake in the future.
Initiating Reconciliation
Up to this point, most people would agree with me. This is how your mama raised you. But a lot of folks have a tough time dealing with the idea of initiating reconciliation if they weren’t the one in the wrong. They say, “I’ll forgive them once they apologize to me!” But Jesus said:
“If you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God (Matthew 5:23-24).”
Notice, Jesus didn’t say, “You suddenly remember that you have something against someone.” He specifically communicated a scenario where someone else believes you to be at fault. So, Jesus puts the responsibility for reconciliation on my shoulders–regardless of fault. Apologies aren’t simply for when I know I’m wrong. They’re also for when someone else thinks I’m wrong. So, I can apologize even when I don’t believe it’s my fault.
What I Did Was Wrong
How do I do this? In the course of any disagreement, misunderstanding, argument, or altercation, if I genuinely look at what has transpired, I can find something that I did wrong in that moment. So, my apology might not be “my point in the argument was incorrect,” if I thought I was right. That would be dishonest.
Instead, my apology might sound like, “I’m sorry that I handled that poorly. I allowed it to become an argument. I believe this so passionately, but that doesn’t give me the right to act the way I did. I know that I let my anger get out of hand, and that I hurt you. I’d like to apologize and tell you that I’ll communicate better in the future.” That kind of apology is completely real, but it doesn’t say that my position was incorrect. So, this is an example of how I can sincerely apologize when I hurt someone by something I said, even if I feel my position was correct.
A Perceived Offense
But what if someone gets hurt by a perceived offense, that not only did I not intend, but that I don’t believe I actually did? If I admit to the offense, isn’t that wrong? Here are three points to consider:
- The other person might be right. I don’t think I yelled (for instance), but maybe I did. Maybe their perception was more accurate than mine in that moment.
- Even if I didn’t yell, if I behaved in a way that made them feel as if I yelled, I probably did something wrong.
- I might consider that when I take the blame for something I didn’t do, I’m actually acting like Jesus.
We Regarded Him as Stricken
2 Corinthians 5:21 says that God made Jesus, who never sinned, to become sin itself, so that we could be made right with God through Christ. In this view of what Jesus did on the cross, Jesus exchanged his sinlessness for our sin, taking upon himself the name of sinner.
In his book Cross Vision: How the Crucifixion of Jesus Makes Sense of Old Testament Violence, Gregory Boyd explains that God values relationship so much that God is willing to be misunderstood, for the sake of reconciliation. Isaiah 53:4 gives us a key word that we usually miss—so my emphasis is in bold print. “We in turn regarded him stricken, struck down by God, and afflicted.” It’s not that Jesus actually was stricken, struck down by God, and afflicted. It’s not that he actually was guilty, or even (as so many churches teach) that God treated him as if he were guilty (which wouldn’t be either justice or mercy). Rather, Jesus allowed people to incorrectly view him as sinful, even though he was innocent so that he could demonstrate the gentle, non-retaliatory, and self-sacrificial love of God.
Acting Like Jesus—Taking the Blame
So, if I’m going to be like Jesus, I’m going to quietly receive it when someone gets in my face and spits and screams, “You blanketyblank, you did this to me!” Instead of returning insult for insult, I’m going to expose my back to be scourged, as it were. I’m going to stretch out my arms to be crucified. I’m going to allow that person to view me as guilty, even if I don’t think I did anything wrong (and even if I’m certain that I’m right). Why? Because this is what Jesus did—for the sake of reconciliation.
Personal and Corporate Apologies
I can do this on a personal level when a friend or a stranger believes I’ve wronged them. I can allow them to perceive me as guilty, without feeling the need to defend myself. I can apologize for the things I did that may have made the matter worse, even if I can’t in good conscience apologize for my stance on an issue.
I can also do this on a corporate level. When a BIPOC person who has experienced not only personal trauma but historical and racial trauma, recounts to me the things that my ancestors have done to oppress their people, I am more than willing to apologize for what my people have done. I have done this many times, with many individuals, and you’d be amazed at how peacemaking it can be. It doesn’t mean that I feel I am personally responsible for the behavior of slave traders and conquistadors. But it does mean I regret their horrible actions and will do whatever I can to heal hurts that may have stemmed from those atrocities. It means I’m willing to put relationship above my personal fragile defensiveness, enough to say, “I’m sorry.”
“I’m Sorry, Eh?”
I realize that as a child, your parents may have forced you to apologize, even if you didn’t feel you were at fault. Some of you may have become overly apologetic, while others may stubbornly refuse to make amends. Maybe it’s triggering for you, when I say that you should do this. So instead of asking you to follow suit, I will only tell you the blessing that it has been for me, to be willing to lay my back open to the scourgers, to take the blame for something that may not even be my fault. Because, at the end of it all, there is resurrection, reconciliation, and restoration.
When I moved to Canada, I learned a lot about how to apologize. Saying you’re sorry can make the difference between pain and healing, war, and peace. All too often, we get so stuck on being right, that we make it more important than being loving. In Canada, you often hear “Eh?” tacked onto the end of an apology. This one word is more than a request for affirmation. At the end of, “I’m sorry,” it means, “Now, the ball’s in your court, to do with it what you will.”
As a Christian, reconciliation is absolutely your obligation. Once you do your part, you are free to unburden yourself of the responsibility. Now it’s time to wait and see how the other person responds. When you have an argument, I invite you to apologize like a Canadian.
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