Boston’s Funniest Comedian Ever

Sadly, Steven Wright died earlier this year.  I have always loved his deadpan humor.  He was a genuine and true Bostonian who loved irony—

Here are some of the funnier lines attributed to him…..

• I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn’t hear a thing.
• I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen it.
• Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
• When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything.
• I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
• Everywhere is walking distance if you’ve got the time.
• Sometimes you cannot hear me, it’s because sometimes I’m in parentheses.
• I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
• A lot of people are afraid of heights; not me, I’m afraid of widths.
• I woke up one morning, [my girlfriend] asked me if I slept good. I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
• I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, Six should be enough.’
• I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote,” so right before I die I could say “unquote.”
• • Lots of my friends have babies, but I don’t have any babies. But I have lots of friends; babies don’t have any friends. They all have those baby-monitors so they can hear the baby from the other room, which I consider a form of wiretapping. One day there’s gonna be a really smart baby who makes a fake recording of some fake baby noises… gonna crawl out of the window and go to Italy.
  • I need one of those baby-monitors for my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I’m really thinking about.
  • Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I’m unfamiliar with… just to screw with my subconscious.
  • It’s a good thing a lot of people speak foreign languages, otherwise those people would have no one to talk to.
  • They say you’re not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven… They’re right.
  • I bought a new camera. It’s very advanced. You don’t even need it.
  • I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. [sighs] It’s a start…
  • In school they told me “Practice makes perfect.” And then they told me “Nobody’s perfect,” so then I stopped practicing.
  • I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
  • I tried to hang myself with bungie cords. I kept almost dying.