Feeling Defensive? Here are 3 Approaches to Shift from Reactive to Responsive

One of the most important actions to pay attention to within yourself:

When you become internally defensive.

Defensiveness is often our way of maneuvering around our shadows: the parts of ourselves we don’t really want to look at (and definitely don’t want others to see.)

It is often an escape mechanism that allows us to

1. deflect perceived threats to our sense of identity and status quo,
2. relocate our feelings of blame, shame, and guilt elsewhere,
3. disassociate from the moment and its challenges, and
4. avoid our responsibility to others and to ourselves.

Defensiveness is a flag for us that we have inner work to do.

Here are some examples of times when defensiveness might pop up in the day-to-day. If you resonate with any of these events, consider this an invitation to ask more questions about why.

• When critiqued or given criticism, constructive or not.
• When confronted with your own racism, classism, or ableism.
• When your belief systems or values are named and questioned.
• When your sense of power, rank, security, or control is challenged.

So what to do when you feel yourself getting internally defensive?

Here are three approaches I take that have helped me become more responsive, both internally and externally:

1. In the moment: take a deep breath, relax muscles, and shift into a posture of listening. Ask questions and attempt to get really clear on what you’re experiencing (without judgement or analysis.)
2. After the moment: Reflect on your body’s response in that moment and what inner narratives about yourself felt challenged. Ask what actionable change this experience is inviting you into.
3. Ongoing: Practice embodying a posture of curiosity instead of certainty. Take deep breaths whenever possible, relax muscles, and learn to listen to 1) your body’s inner language and 2) the experiences of those around you.

Connect and Engage Your Inner Work

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