3 Common EXCUSES that Keep us Stuck with a Mediocre Marriage

Sometimes, we have a good excuse as to why our marriage isn’t in a good place at the moment.  But, the truth is, excuses–even good ones–won’t get us anywhere.

I do it, and you do too.

We can come up with an excuse for everything.

I can’t lose weight because I’m too busy.

I couldn’t finish the work because I was tired.

I yelled at my kids because they wouldn’t listen to me.

Honestly, I’ve said ALL of these before, and I’m not proud of it.  I can find an excuse, or a justification for why things aren’t where they should be, at the drop of a hat.  As human beings, we don’t want to take responsibility for our own actions, because that means we will have to take a long, hard look at ourselves in the mirror and deal with the truth.  Sometimes, we’re are reluctant to face the truth because it stings.  And, after accepting the truth, we also realize that we need to change some things in our life.  That’s even more difficult.

So, instead, we just make excuses and settle for mediocrity at best.

This happens all too often in our marriages.  You might feel like you’re stuck right now.  Friends, it doesn’t have to be this way.  We don’t have to settle for a mediocre marriage.  The first step is recognizing what excuses we’re currently making.  There are probably hundreds of excuses we use, but here are 3 common excuses that keep us stuck with a mediocre marriage.

1.  I can’t help how I feel, and I’m just not feeling it anymore.

Just the other day, I was watching a morning news program, and they were talking about why some marriages end.  One of the commentators said, “Well, the heart wants what the hearts wants.”

This is true…I guess.   But, I seriously wanted to turn off the TV when I heard this, because this one excuse has caused so many of us to make terrible decisions when it comes to our relationships.  Our hearts are fickle.  They can be good and gracious, but they can also be deceitful and hateful.  Our desires can change on a daily basis, so we can’t trust our hearts.  The Bible has a lot to say about this too.

From their callous hearts comes iniquity;

their evil imaginations have no limits.

Psalm 73:7

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;

Proverbs 3:5

Above all else, guard your heart,
for everything you do flows from it.

Proverbs 4:23

A person may think their own ways are right,
but the Lord weighs the heart.

Proverbs 21:2

There will be times when we won’t find our spouse to be very desirable.  Other times, our heart will flutter when he/she walks in the room.  Some days, we will love the sound of his/her voice.  Other days, that sound will hit us like fingernails on a chalkboard.  This doesn’t mean we don’t love each other.  And, it’s definitely not an excuse to get romantically involved with someone we find attractive at work.  In fact, there’s never a reason or justification for an affair.  Those moments when we’re frustrated with our marriage and tired of the way things are is the very time that we need to guard our hearts the most.  

It’s true; the heart wants what the heart wants.  But, we aren’t helpless.  We can train our hearts to want the right things when we turn our hearts to God.  At times, this will be hard, but it will save our marriage and keep our hearts in the right place.

Sometimes we just need to try something new TOGETHER.  Read “The BEST Kept Secret to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great” for more on this.

2.  We have grown apart.

When we looked into our spouse’s eyes on our wedding day and said our vows, we were so excited about our future together.  Then, life happened…jobs, kids, obligations, finances, in-laws, illness, and expectations.   If we’re not intentional about keeping our marriage strong every day, then everything else will take over.  And, we WILL grow apart.

But, even if we do…even if we feel like there are hundreds of miles between us…we can turn back and start moving towards each other to begin the healing process in our marriage.   In Paul’s letter to the Ephesians, he talks about how God binds fellow believers together the more we pursue Him.

Ephesians 4:15-17

Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. 16 From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

We can apply this to our marriage as well.  Let’s not focus on past mistakes.  Let’s forgive and move forward.  Let’s pray and believe that God can bring us back together.

Don’t give up on marriage.  Grow TOGETHER by spending time together daily, talking regularly, going to counseling, and praying for one another.  Read “3 Things I Wish I Could’ve Told Myself on my Wedding Day” for more details on this.

3.  All we do is fight.

My husband, Dave, and I hear this a lot when we meet with couples who are going through a hard time in their marriage.

I get it.  Emotions can get so high that every single conversation ends in a fight.  We feel like our spouse isn’t listening.  We don’t feel respected.  We feel attacked.  And, everything in us tells us to walk away because we are tired of fighting.

In “4 BIG DOs and DON’Ts When Arguing with Your Spouse”,  I discuss how yelling matches can deeply wound our spouse and marriage.  It’s hard to listen to someone when we feel like we’re being attacked.  And, we often say things that are extremely hurtful.  Once we say it, we can never take it back.  This can also be extremely damaging to our children as they witness our frequents outbursts.

If this is you, please seek a Christian marriage counselor immediately.  If that isn’t possible, please find someone who loves you, your spouse, and God, and ask them to mediate some conversations between you and your spouse.  I also highly recommend going to a marriage crisis retreat.  There are many you can choose from, but one we often recommend is put on by an organization called Family Dynamics.

Maybe you aren’t yelling at each other, but it still feels like you are always at odds whenever you talk.  If this is the case, I encourage you to listen to what your partner has to say without interjecting any comments.  Then, say, “I hear you saying…”, and tell them what you think they are trying to say.  Then, your partner will tell you if you are correct.  After that, it’s your turn to say what’s on your mind.  This may seem really cheesy, but it works.  It slows the conversation down a bit and keeps us from being defensive.  This process forces us to really listen to each other.  We may even learn something new and get to the root of the strain in our relationship.

More than anything, we must find a healthy way to communicate on a regular basis.   Fighting will only build walls in our relationship.  But, talking kindly to one another will keep us connected and on the same page.

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Want more ideas on how to cultivate and keep a strong connection?  My husband, Dave, has an amazing NEW book, called “The Seven Laws of Love,” that is chock full of great advice you can apply to your own marriage.  You can purchase it HERE, or anywhere books are sold.

Like apps?  Check out our NEW Marriage App, by clicking here.

Be blessed!