Gratitude Journal

It’s been a bit since my last gratitude post. As usual, I suppose, I’ve spent the time with friends, in nature, and hard at work.

In my more pensive moments, I’ve found myself asking: what’s it all about? (and I laugh now) And my mind tends to toss and turn, this way and that. Until, out of the depths comes a soft answer: service. Hokey, perhaps. Or just too obvious. But it’s the same answer time and again, and it seems to be the only answer that breaks the cycle.

So the next question is: how can I live a life of service, here and now? How can I let go of my stuff that sometimes chains me, like a dog to a post, and move clearly forward in my life? And for me that is more and more boiling down to two things: Teaching – finishing my ph.d, accepting the twists and turns needed to get there and the places this may take me. And family – settling down, merging paths with another.

But, for now, it begins with gratitude:

1. The psychology of awareness – life is often lived going in circles. Most of us come to realize this at some point. But how often do we truly become aware of our bondage? How much of our life can we really change even with awareness? How much must we simply accept?

   In my visit with my folks last week, my mother – a social worker – told me of the power of awareness in children of dysfunctional families. As it turns out, people who were raised in dysfunctional families who tested as having little awareness of their unhealthy upbringing had about a 90% chance of having children with unhealthy emotional boundaries and coping mechanisms. Yet in those people who showed high awareness of the dysfunctionality of their childhood, only about 10% perpetuated the cycle. So, with awareness there is hope.

2. New beginnings – as one phase of my life ends (and not without its sadness) I must turn with gratitude to new beginnings. I am opening up again to great possibilities, meeting many wonderful people, taking on countless side projects, getting more jobs/job offers than I know what to do with, and so on, none of which would have been possible if I’d stayed in DC or London. ‘Tis good. The momentum isn’t quite there (I’ll start moving quickly once the new semester beings no doubt) so I still sometimes feel adrift, but I know it’s coming.
3. Friends ’round the world – In my travels I have been very fortunate to meet amazingly diverse and brilliant people from all corners of the globe. Some of my greatest adventures even here in Montana have come in showing others around my beautiful neck of the woods. I look forward to more travels soon myself, deepening my bonds and friendships around the globe.
4. My faith and practice – It’s not often that I consider Buddhism a ‘faith’; and having spent half a decade as a ‘devout atheist’ I have grown weary of the term faith itself. But there are times that it is something of a faith – when trying to understand why things come and go in my life, trying to imagine the potential goals of a real and sustained practice, etc. Yet, more important to me and in Buddhism is my practice – just sitting, allowing, letting go… It’s an amazing and paradoxical process – this idea that by doing nothing we can actually bring so much into our lives. But it works.
5. Students – the other night at a local watering hole a lovely young woman came up to me and introduced herself, explaining that she had been a student in my large lecture course on Buddhism a couple years back and had met the current love of her life in that class and it has been the healthiest relationship of her life. ‘Twas a very nice thing to hear. I am also very grateful for the ‘students’ (more like friends) I see now each week for meditations – they keep me coming back and always let me know when I’ve veered too far from my own practice. This semester I should be TA/grading for the University’s Buddhism course (yes, a bit of a step down from teaching it, but I’m busy with other things now), and I very much look forward to interacting with another group of eager young minds.

With smiles and joy.