Carmel, IN – Former Vice President Mike Pence has decided he is going to run for the GOP nomination for President in hopes of becoming the 47th President of the United States of America. After pandering to the 45th President for over four years, which ended in his followers chanting “hang Mike Pence,” he has decided his best course of action is to again cozy up to the same Christo-fascists who called for his head during the January 6th riots.
But he is not going alone. On July 18, Pence announced that he is bringing on former television star, Gary the Housefly, as his running mate.
“Mike and I have been through a lot,” admitted Gary. “During those tumultuous times, having to listen to a woman put Mike in his place, I was there. I clung to him like a fly on shit.”
We were unable to reach the former vice president, but a spokesperson for his office had this to say.
“Mike has made the decision to bring Gary on for a number of reasons, the biggest being that he will appeal to a certain red-hatted crowd. We need to win back these folks if we are ever going to instill our principles. Gary, being the common housefly that he is, will really speak to these people and we should see a decent surge in the polls.”
Currently, Pence is 7th in early polling for GOP nominee, behind Donald Trump, Ron DeSantis, the My Pillow Guy, Dr. Oz, Herschel Walker, Rudy Giuliani, and former disgraced cartoon character, Pepé Le Pew. So, while it is a long shot for Pence to win, stranger things have happened. This is the United States, after all, where if we’ve learned anything, it’s that bullshit generally rises to the top.
(THIS IS SATIRE. BUGS DON’T TALK.)
Also, if you’ve been digging my work on here, and want to see me be able to continue writing as close to full-time as humanly possible, please take a look at my Patreon page at www.patreon.com/mjdistefano. Even $1 a month helps bigly!!!
Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In