Boston, MA – A fire at Comprehensive Genomic Services, a premier embryonic laboratory, broke out late last night, destroying much of the lab. It is feared that there are multiple deaths, one of which is an infant who was yet to be picked up from the in-house daycare service the lab runs for its employees.
Initial reports are that the daycare worker, a woman in her 50s named Margaret Smith, fled the daycare as soon as she heard the alarm. Staff say that she did this in order to run to the embryonic chamber. Using her keycard, she was able to rush roughly 47 petri dishes containing human embryos to safety.
“Margaret was a staunch believer that embryos are babies,” said Dr. Cheryl Michaels, one of the lead scientists. “As scientists, we aren’t dumb enough to believe such nonsense, but I suppose with that logic it makes sense for her to leave one cute, chubby infant behind in order to save 47 individual clusters of cells. These embryos don’t have legs yet, so there would be no way for them to flee to safety in the event of an emergency. Margaret was their only hope.”
Though most across the country find Smith’s actions beyond reprehensible, conservatives are championing her bravery.
“Everyone knows fetuses and embryos are babies; just read the Bible,” said conservative pundit Ben Swanson. “So, it’s kind of like the trolley problem. You save the 47 even if that means leaving the one behind. It’s tragic, but it’s simple math for anyone not in the woke camp.”
We aren’t sure what Swanson meant by that, and are convinced even he doesn’t know. But we will follow this story nonetheless in the days to come.
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